REPETITION
Part ( 4 )
Two sides to
The never ending story -
I am unable to let end
-OF
Part ( 4 )
Two sides to
The never ending story -
I am unable to let end
-OF
A well educated, upper class,
POLISH PRINCESS,
A real Beauty,
A real Beauty,
and that of
an uneducated, low class,
an uneducated, low class,
unintelligent, Canadian derelict.
A Frog!
Follow the journey of these two in poetry and prose.
Much of, is from the perception /perspective of the Frog.
Much of, is from the perception /perspective of the Frog.
The Princess has provided very little information.
A lot of insight though.
Chapter 162
A letter from Moneca,-2 Pages
February 5th
2009
Dear Bill
It would be better if you start analyzing your own life and learn a little bit more about yourself.
You spend a lot of time looking inside somebody’s life and you think that your reading of human nature is correct.
Please take my advice you will be better off if you start to do something more constructive then forcing your poor mind to make sick assumptions. Go out meet happy people, do something with your boring life.
You are sitting at home, writing and thinking to much about nothing positive and then create in your mind unbelievable, harmful stories.
I don’t avoid you, the phone works in both directions. I respected your silence, you were very busy.
I wanted to invite you for dinner but was to late since you had different plans. Another day you called me and asked, …… do I need something from the store,……. And my answer was simply “ NO ”
If all you wanted was to be a shopping service and asked short questions then you will get short answers.
I don’t understand whats came to your mind that I didn’t like your Christmas present and why you are sending money ???? Whats wrong with you, have you lost your mind completely ?
If you can be normal friend without writing long winded letters about your feelings and just behave like a normal person then there is no point in continuing this. It’s better if you just leave me alone.
Take
care
Moneca
Chapter 163
A poem for Moneca,-2 Pages
February 27th
2009
Pilgrims
Oh, so many times, feeling like a pilgrim,
standing alongside life’s road – it’s rim
watching,
observing, being a part of the folly
-
that being in love, one would believe - jolly
could be the ways, the highways and
byways
bringing together two as one – for always
and in all ways – forever and a day
as they live, love, talk, work and
play
throughout the hours of their life – together
meeting life’s ups, downs,
challenges, stormy weather.
To do so, it takes the hearts of two
- to be as one
to carry them above and beyond all
that life has undone.
Life for them, separate, apart and
it seems neither
can find a place to come together –
be as one, either,
for the sake of love, friendship or
any kind of relationship
where there might never be a hurtful,
mean-spirited quip
that will disillusion, cause pain, knock
one to the ground,
- that in the end, distances –
turning everything around.
The Pilgrim, then must become a wayfarer
upon this land,
knowing love, passion, desire,
dreams have no place to stand
among all the helpless romantics, all the believers
who want not, to be in the arms of a
deceiver
– even if they do not understand it
is a game they play –
the deceivers who can make – for one
who loves – a sad day.
The Pilgrim, then must – as a
wayfarer – walk alone,
doing so, - with all his
experiences, feelings – on his own,
chasing that illusive Dream, the Light, of
his desire
while the Cold North Wind’s
indifference extinguishes the fire
that burns so hot – so deep within his heart
–
turning all he wanted to be, into
dust, carried in a funeral cart
down
life’s bumpy road – this weight, this heavy load.
Now all is, it seems, gone – love upon
him never shone !
B. J. “A” 2
February 27th 2009
Chapter 164
Gmails to Moneca,
Gmails to Moneca,
Emails from Moneca,
Subject: Apologies. First note on computer
From: Bill
Atfield bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
Date: Friday, March
13th, 2009 at 8:21 PM
To: Moneca
Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
Sweet and Sour Princess :
I realize Dear, sorry, Moneca,
that I made you a promise – and by the strictest meaning of the word ( writing
), and so, know that this, if this reaches you – is not breaking my word ( I
did not include typing in that promise ) and if you know nothing else about me
?, know this Moneca, I am a man of his word. I know that you will disagree and
I also know that I have failed miserably in the past, but – in my defense – you
have to remember that, that was a different time and for very different reasons
that I now know - or more to the point, finally accepted – had / have no relivence
and mean positively nothing to you .
You know Moneca, I have to
wonder why I care so much for one whom – I do believe – cares not .
I might agree with Moneca, you
could possibly be right with your assumption, stated last night, “
you are a masicist ” for why would one constantly place their heart into the
Moneca, meat grinder ?, LOL .
Well my Dear, oops, sorry !,(
I did it again, ) Moneca, by now I am sure I have bored you enough and so I
will bid you adieu, say good night, hasta la vista, adios, shalom, auf
Wieresehen my Love .
PS I won’t know if his has
gotten through .
Love
Bill .
B. J. “A” 2
Subject: Reply
Date: Saturday,
March 14th, 2009 at 2:12 PM
To: Bill
Atfield bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
Hi Bill
I see that you find
another way to communicate with me to show how many spelling mistakes you do. I
don’t understand your words. I think is better to communicate face to face
because evcen by phone is impossible to do. Sometimes you don’t hear what you
should hear is “normal” for man. They have very selective memory and sense of
hearing
Take care
Monika.
From: Bill
Atfield bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
Date: Sunday,
March 15th, 2009 at 12:24 PM
Hello Moneca:
Fair Princess :
I have just slipped out of the
embryonic fluid and the porcelain womb that contained it, to find an email
response to the gmail I sent out into cyber space last night, in hopes that it
might find it’s way to you – and so it did .
I guess I should not be
surprised by it’s contents, although I am Moneca.
It seems Moneca, that I have –
once again – raised your ire, with my
attempt at using the Christmas present ( your son’s old laptop ) you so
generously provided me with, so that, with my new – thanks to you – found
skills, - skills I might be able to impress you with, although we both know
that I could not do that, for nothing I do, for you, would ever get through. –
you might find a common ground upon which we might stand.
In my attempt to improve my
lot in life, rise above the ashes of old age, it seems that all I have done, is
drive you further into your criticisms and judgments of me and my flaws, my
short comings and warts and there seems to be nothing but putdowns of my
attempts at levity .
I am sorry Moneca, that everything
I do, with regards to
you, seems to upset you, disappoint you and gives cause for you to strike out at me with that
sweet and sour tongue of yours, with it’s keen, stiletto piercing force that
can take a good man down .
I think that silence will be
the order of the day, and will take me away, into what will fill my ears with
silent sounds .
I will accept, with a heavy
heart, what you will !
Take good care my Love .
Love
Bill .
Subject: Fw: Fw: A GOOD FRIEND TEST
From: Bill
Atfield bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
Date: Saturday,
March 14th, 2009 at 2:12 PM
Dearest Moneca :
What a pleasant surprise -
unexpected - but then you sometimes do the unexpected Moneca .
I too agree with you - the
latter part of each paragraph Moneca, is how I have tried to be - wanted to be -
a good friend for you . I am truly sorry Moneca, that it seems by all
accounts that I have faild in my efforts to live up to my philosophy in
this matter with you.
I hope Moneca, that in my
replying to your email - I know that you have stated many, many times "not
to write "and wrote"It's better if you just leave me alone' and also
emailed the message ' it's better to communicate face to face - even by phone
is impossible " and the implication that I should not gmail you eather (
although not directly stated ) - I have not created more problems for you and
therefore for my self .
I do know Moneca, that you do
not want to know about, see or hear about my feelings but I must - considering
that I may have crossed one of your many borders ( just wrote a
rhyme/poem titled " Borders/On the road to life " ) - tell
you that I have missed you so.
Take good care my Dear.
Love
Bill
William.
Subject: Fw: Fwd: another gotta read"The whole
world Needs A Leader Like This!
Date: Sunday, March
15th, 2009 at 4:51 PM
To: Bill Atfield bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
Hi Bill
I absolutelly agree "The whole world Needs A Leader Like This!
I absolutelly agree "The whole world Needs A Leader Like This!
subject: monecaray@shaw.ca
has sent you an Easter ecard.
from: 123Greetings.com
date: Friday, April 10th, 2009 at 10:52 PM
Happy Easter Bill
subject: Fw: Prize
Winning Ads
from: 123Greetings.com
date: Friday, April 10th, 2009 at 11:16 PM
subject: Departing
date: Tuesday,
April 21st, 2009 at 9:37 AM
to: monecaray@shaw.ca
Dear Precious :
The hour is at hand and as
usual you are on my mind and in my thoughts as I prepare to - strange
coincidence ? fate ? - leave for a distance shore to look after animals as I
did for you exactly one year ago.
I will no longer be able to
see you watching over me as I sat in my living room or saw you laying at the
foot of my bed as dozed off, slept and dreamt or awoke to dawns early or late
light but I take comfort in knowing that you will be permeating all the empty
spaces I leave behind as I take to the open road to do an other a favour.
Having been kept in the dark
all I have are questions Moneca, a.k.a. Monika, Monica, to ponder and I wonder
?
Anyway Moneca, you take good
care and enjoy the companionship of your friend and acquaintances as time
passes between us and leaves little.
subject: Silences
date: Saturday,
April 25th, 2009 at 9:52 AM
to: monecaray@shaw.ca
Diamond in the Rough :
Hello, silence tells ?,
silence the story ?, silence the last word ?, silence the never ending journey
?, silence the hand of fate ? that lays all to rest in the caverns of one's
memories hoard, a sarcophagus for all eternity to harbour what was beautiful ?
Be as beautiful as you are
beautiful .
LOVE
?
subject: Fw: Perks]
from: monecaray@shaw.ca
date: Thursday,
April 30th, 2009 at 5:49 PM
16. Your joints
are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with
your friends because they can't remember them either. 18. Your supply of braincells
is finally down to a manageable size. 19. You can't remember who sent you this list. And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience.
Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!
Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!
ONE MORE THING: Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!
subject: Fw: TIME
LEAVES OUT NO ONE!!!
from: monecaray@shaw.ca
from: monecaray@shaw.ca
date: Saturday,
May 2nd, 2009 at 8:28 PM
PASSAGE OF TIME LEAVES OUT NO ONE !!!
I thought it happened only to me,
but was consoled and encouraged after receiving this e-mail.
I thought it happened only to me,
but was consoled and encouraged after receiving this e-mail.
Val
Kilmer
Richard Gere
date: Saturday,
May 2nd, 2009 at 8:28 PM
May Love Find Your Day
Of Birth, A New Way
To A New View.
Loving You Is All I Do
And Want For You.
Happy
Name Day.
Happy
Birthaday.
Love
date: Saturday,
May 2nd, 2009 at 8:28 PM
to: caandda@shaw.ca
To follow are the emails and
gmails between the Princess, and I that may paint a picture of the kind of
relationship the Princess Moneca, and I have endured for the past three years '
LOVE
date: Saturday,
May 9th, 2009 at 9:00 PM
to: Moneca Rayner
My Dearest Moneca :
I received your phone message and I.
must thank you for the invitation. Most of all Moneca, I truly appreciate your
candor, for it must be very difficult for you to deal with your conflicted
feeling about me .
I hope to see you and give you
a small gift but I can't stay because I am waiting for a call from Gail,
although I will gladly come back to spend some quality time with you for your
Birthday should you wish me to do so.
I just got off the phone with
Gail, and want to take this opportunity Moneca, to apologize for my
inconsiderate expressions of my frustration over my attempt to do something
that I thought might be a nice thing to do for some one that I consider I am a
friend to .
Anyway Moneca, I am truly sorry
for my part in what must have surely been an upsetting way to bring your
Birthday into it's waning hours.
Please forgive me for my
thoughtlessness and may the rest of your day be a pleasant
and fun one .
I know but.
LOVE
from: bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
date: Saturday,
April 11th, 2009 at 1:16 PM
to: Moneca Rayner
My Dear Monika :
to: Moneca Rayner
My Dear Monika :
Finally the dancing chics and
rabbit in the basket have come to the surface as for the best adds I was only
able to see three and the one with the ass tattooed with a pocket on the cheek
well I tell you that it's your ass I'd love to kiss you know that beauty I
retire with every night / morning and rise to every morning
Well my Dear, at dawns early light it is time for me to say goodnight and apologies for the delay in getting this to you . I will not attempt to gmail an Easter card to you and Mat but I do wish you both a Happy Easter.
At high noon I hope I will be able to get this off to you.
PS Did I miss - by answering your question ( wrongly ? ) - an ( invisible ) invitation to dine with you this holiday weekend ?
You have a great Easter meal and social intercourse x 2
Well my Dear, at dawns early light it is time for me to say goodnight and apologies for the delay in getting this to you . I will not attempt to gmail an Easter card to you and Mat but I do wish you both a Happy Easter.
At high noon I hope I will be able to get this off to you.
PS Did I miss - by answering your question ( wrongly ? ) - an ( invisible ) invitation to dine with you this holiday weekend ?
You have a great Easter meal and social intercourse x 2
date: Monday,
April 13th, 2009 at 12:16 PM
to: Moneca Rayner
As for my asking you to forgive me - you and I once having had a conversation about the subject and you agreed with me ( as I recall ) that in forgiving some one for their transgressions it has no effect on the perpetrator one way or another but in the act of forgiveness one sets them self free from the negative feelings they harbour within their heart and soul .
I am sorry Moneca, that you could not see that that was my intention and the reason for my request.I just want you to know Monece, - as all has come to an end - no matter what you say or believe or think or just say for the sake of saying it I am your friend ( like it or not ) and I loved and love you ( in spite of yourself ) and I think that any reasonable person looking at all I have said ( written ) and done and tolerated ( accepted ) for the past three years less a day - by the way Happy Anniversary even if it's not one you may care to acknowledge or care to think about or even remember - would concur with me
Thank you for all the good memories Moneca, and through all the passing years know in your heart that that well be what I will think about, what I will remember every time you come to mind or I see your beautiful face or see your lovely body as I lay my head on the pillows of my bed or awake to dawns early light.
As my words come to an end Moneca, know that I have and do wish nothing but the best for you and hope you find - some where among that gaggle of wanting men you see and spend time with - mister right, your knight ( I did so want to be he but I see it's not to be ) comes along and sweeps you off your feet.
Take good care Moneca, and maybe some day in some way - maybe on the other side - you will see me in a different ( True ) light and things will be different.
LOVE
Chapter 165
In a letter to Joyce, -20 Pages
In a letter to Joyce, -20 Pages
April 22nd to
May 6th 2009
My dear Joyce :
As for my Life Joyce, Well
what can I say – it is still battles of
one kind or another. Battling with myself over letting go of The Princess,
which, by the way Joyce I have managed to do, to a major degree. I still want
to be with her – at least in my heart, which I have little control over – but
will no longer pursue her, and told her so “ You win !, I give in ” and so
Joyce, - in my head at least – there are no more tears or that choked up
feeling every time I think of her, leave her company, talk with or write to of
her and so my Dear, I do believe - that her essence, my desire for, - that she no longer has any control or
power over me. This has been one hell of a tough to have won for I love her so . I came to a
beautiful ( Neck Park ) park that
captivated my imagination and so a dozen photos did I take, to take the place
of the kinds of places and days that being with The Princess, would have burned
into my memory. Anyway Joyce, so much for the dream that has become as empty as
a bottle of champagne after the New Years celebrations have become nothing but
misty, foggy memories .
I never to get to sleep (
literally - not what many imply ) with a
female any more, yet here, just about every night I am, with this female cat.
Go figure ? I guess fate is giving me a little taste of what I had last
sampled, with Moneca, - sleeping with, sharing the same bed for a night or two
during our thirty day, cross Canada adventure .
Nothing from Moneca, not a word, just an email forwarded on Saturday May second, similar theme as the last one, and again, without any personal comment – “ Passage of time leaves out no one !!! ”, “ Our imagination is a preview of life’s coming attractions / Albert Einstein ” All these photos show the famous ( Passage of time ) in their prime and then in age and most are not a bretty sight, especially Eastwood and Schwarzenegger. This email closes with “ Are you feeling better too ??? ”, “ Have a good week ”. All these words Joyce, are from the email, not one word from the Princess, and so, once again, I am left with - what the hell does all this mean ?, questions, questions, questions of – is this her way to open the doors ?, is she being funny ?, being humorous ?, or is this just her way of throwing more digs at me ? I have to think that the latter is closest to the truth, and this is because, after I replied with a gmail, (( “ How true, “ Time leave out no one ”, “ and no one can escape the ravishes of time’s passing my Dear, and I guess you sent me this as a friendly reminder, – Thank You Very Much ! – that looking into the mirror every day and trying to slip into my pants slaps me in the face with each and every hour, day after day. We all can not be beautiful, Beautiful ! ” )) no reply, no response – after five days – not so much as a word Joyce and so that is where I will let it die !
Love
Nothing from Moneca, not a word, just an email forwarded on Saturday May second, similar theme as the last one, and again, without any personal comment – “ Passage of time leaves out no one !!! ”, “ Our imagination is a preview of life’s coming attractions / Albert Einstein ” All these photos show the famous ( Passage of time ) in their prime and then in age and most are not a bretty sight, especially Eastwood and Schwarzenegger. This email closes with “ Are you feeling better too ??? ”, “ Have a good week ”. All these words Joyce, are from the email, not one word from the Princess, and so, once again, I am left with - what the hell does all this mean ?, questions, questions, questions of – is this her way to open the doors ?, is she being funny ?, being humorous ?, or is this just her way of throwing more digs at me ? I have to think that the latter is closest to the truth, and this is because, after I replied with a gmail, (( “ How true, “ Time leave out no one ”, “ and no one can escape the ravishes of time’s passing my Dear, and I guess you sent me this as a friendly reminder, – Thank You Very Much ! – that looking into the mirror every day and trying to slip into my pants slaps me in the face with each and every hour, day after day. We all can not be beautiful, Beautiful ! ” )) no reply, no response – after five days – not so much as a word Joyce and so that is where I will let it die !
Love
Bill .
date: Sunday,
April 26th, 2009 at 7:18 PM
PERSONALITY
The
game of avoidance is played so well
perfected
it so, it's very hard to tell
when
and if it's on, one does not know.
There
is nothing and no one able to show
what
comes from - lays deep within the soul.
Because
there is a refusal to believe
it
becomes impossible - one can not conceive
what
it is that becomes a part of the personality
that
will take a relationship, lead it to finality
and
never see, perceive what was laid down.
It
must be only one way - a set of ground
rules
by which one must comply
or
it's over the relationship must die
a
very slow death from the awareness
there
will never be a closeness.
What
does the broken heart do?,
inside,
bury the thoughts of you
so
the soul can keep on living
knowing
you will never be giving
in
an inch let alone a foot or two.
B.J."A"
2
April 26th
2009
Dreams
Would if I could, take my dreams of you -
for you - into a reality I could live
a life where I could find, that to me you
would freely, lovingly give.
Hope is the last bastion for
loves desire to carry on.
But in the end - my love - it is lost, it is
gone.
You where the inspiration for change yet
change inspired you not.
You where the fertilizer for the growth of
love yet it you never got.
The dance of passion swings on
the notes of loves song,
if it is to have true fulfillment then one
must belong
otherwise it's just a dance and passion is -
but less romance.
I've sent my love in rays of brilliant
light.
You have hidden away in the darkness of
night.
You have - it seems - walked away from
romance
and with me have only had one dance.
And now, for me there is not a chance.
B.J."A" 2
April 26th
2009
date: Thursday,
April 30th, 2009 at 11:19 PM
Precious Princess :
What a pleasant, unexpected, surprise Moneca, even though it's but a friendly - I do believe - reminder of what life predicts for a man in my state of being - as you perceive me to be and you could be absolutely right anyway so much for being old - humor.
What a pleasant, unexpected, surprise Moneca, even though it's but a friendly - I do believe - reminder of what life predicts for a man in my state of being - as you perceive me to be and you could be absolutely right anyway so much for being old - humor.
You know Moneca, this has been
a pleasantly strange time for me. ( 1 ) After not having heard from Gail, since
Christmas, ( 2 ) After not having heard from Mandy, in over five years and, ( 3 ) not having had any response or reply from you in weeks it's
just very strange that all of you would make contact - by email - with me, all
at the same time. Don't you find that just a little beyond coincidence ?
What is the strangest part
about this Moneca, is that I was going to gmail you to night - one last time -
just to let you know that all the walks I have taken in the rugged beauty of
Nanaimo's coast line, creations from the pallet of mother nature - and just a
few minutes from Linda's - and an other place of beauty - although not a
creation of mother nature ( it's from the hands of men ) that I think you would
have enjoyed,and taken pleasure in and throughout these little adventures all I
could think of was how the spirit of and my soul wanted to share these
beautiful moments with you. But alas that was not to be a part of my reality
Moneca, for you had different plans for a different reality .
I am sorry that my thoughts may seem and may be expressed as though they are as jagged as the rough edges of mother nature's tapestry - that I so wished you had joined me in viewing, in partaking of - but they are not Moneca, they just express - as best I am capable of - how I feel about things and I know that you'd prefer I not express to you any of my feeling or beliefs but I no longer care to be a silent entity or to have my inner being repressed or having to suppress who and what I am .
Anyway life may care to progress upon this plane Moneca, is a ride I will take and take what ever it may offer and if it offers nothing then nothing is what will be, I will live with it .
Thank You Moneca, for the thought even if the thought was sent by you but not from you, if you know what I mean
Linda, should be home to morrow which means so should I and what ever fate and you have in store I will have to wait and see, in the mean time you do take good care.
I am sorry that my thoughts may seem and may be expressed as though they are as jagged as the rough edges of mother nature's tapestry - that I so wished you had joined me in viewing, in partaking of - but they are not Moneca, they just express - as best I am capable of - how I feel about things and I know that you'd prefer I not express to you any of my feeling or beliefs but I no longer care to be a silent entity or to have my inner being repressed or having to suppress who and what I am .
Anyway life may care to progress upon this plane Moneca, is a ride I will take and take what ever it may offer and if it offers nothing then nothing is what will be, I will live with it .
Thank You Moneca, for the thought even if the thought was sent by you but not from you, if you know what I mean
Linda, should be home to morrow which means so should I and what ever fate and you have in store I will have to wait and see, in the mean time you do take good care.
LOVE
date: Thursday,
May 1st, 2009 at 12:21 AM
LOVE
BILL.
subject: Apologies
from: bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
date: Saturday, May 9th, 2009 at 9:00 PM
to: Moneca Rayner
I hope to see you and give you
a small gift but I can't stay because I am waiting for a call from Gail,
although I will gladly come back to spend some quality time with you for your
Birthday should you wish me to do so.
I just got off the phone with
Gail, and want to take this opportunity Moneca, to apologize for my
inconsiderate expressions of my frustration over my attempt to do something
that I thought might be a nice thing to do for some one that I consider I am a
friend to .
Anyway Moneca, I am truly sorry for my part in what must have surely been an upsetting way to bring your Birthday into it's waning hours.
Please forgive me for my thoughtlessness and may the rest of your day be a pleasant and fun one .
I know!, but .
Anyway Moneca, I am truly sorry for my part in what must have surely been an upsetting way to bring your Birthday into it's waning hours.
Please forgive me for my thoughtlessness and may the rest of your day be a pleasant and fun one .
I know!, but .
LOVE
date: Sunday,
May 10th, 2009 at 11:54 AM
You are like rollercoaster you
screw up and apologize and again.Communication with you is impossible, because
you can not control yours emotions.Your meaning LOVE is toxic.People who really
know what is mean real LOVE they don't over dose empty word they know how to
express themselves and show in their action and they know how to solve
misunderstanding.Is too sad that you don't know how to do this.I was very
patient with you and I wanted to talk and make clear all misunderstandings but
you didn't let me do this on last night. Right now I am glad what happen,
because I saw you in real Acton (the same attitude,aggressiveness when I wash
my car and I didn't do anything wrong to you, I had all the time in my mind
your angry face), many times I was asking myself what is wrong with me? finally
I know. Your toxic fake love ruin our friendship I was real friend to you with
pure healthy feeling but was probably to difficult for you to handle it.
Sorry for my poor English I
hope you understand what I mean.
You don't have to respond and I don't want your apology.
You don't have to respond and I don't want your apology.
Monika
subject: Mother'sDay
- comply with wish.
from: bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
date: Sunday, May 10th, 2009 at 2:52 AM
to: Moneca Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
from: bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
date: Sunday, May 10th, 2009 at 2:52 AM
to: Moneca Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
I am sorry for every thing and
to comply with your desire I will make this my last communiqué.
I am sorry for the negativity that may have spoiled your Birthday Moneca ..
I only wish you the best of things and the best of life for you Moneca, on your Birthday and on Mother's Day .
Happy Mother's Day and for all the day to come, for the rest of your life .
What ever that important thing you where to tell me was, I thing you have it spelled the end .
If you truly feel what you have said and have portrayed in my presence then I think you have acted appropriately and all I can do is accept my fate with sorrow, regret and the feeling of loss of something that importunely I never really had - the dream .
You have a great life Moneca .
LOVE
I am sorry for the negativity that may have spoiled your Birthday Moneca ..
I only wish you the best of things and the best of life for you Moneca, on your Birthday and on Mother's Day .
Happy Mother's Day and for all the day to come, for the rest of your life .
What ever that important thing you where to tell me was, I thing you have it spelled the end .
If you truly feel what you have said and have portrayed in my presence then I think you have acted appropriately and all I can do is accept my fate with sorrow, regret and the feeling of loss of something that importunely I never really had - the dream .
You have a great life Moneca .
LOVE
Forever
Bill .
MOTHER"S
DAY
date: Friday,
May 15th, 2009 at 8:34 PM
THE
UNKNOWN
Unbeknownst
to you, you touched the deepest recesses of my heart .
You are the
oil that penetrated these old and rusted tight hinges -
making it
possible, to open, once again, the steely doors to my heart ,
For what has
seemed a life time, I thought - never again love to feel, love to experience,
love to
express or to let in the life and light of love's forces, love's energies .
All of this
happened in the blink of an eye - you cared not to see .
Blindness now
reigns supreme - lost is that beautiful dream .
Nothing but
harsh words, words of indifference - a spirit so mean
that comes at
me in forceful waves, permeating every scene
that you and
I - upon life's stage - play out our parts,
in costumes
life's experiences have fashioned for us
that we - on
our journey - have tailored in defense of our souls .
You where the
key my Dear, - not ever wanting to be for fear -
that opened
the lock, turned the clock, opened my heart for me
and a world -
lost for so long - I believed I'd never again see .
That now is
being destroyed, it's crumbling, soon to be all gone
and you
contend, believe it was all - I who made it go wrong,
caring not to
see, wanting not to hear the dirges that have become my song .
Now you want
me to let it go, now you no longer want me to carry on .
Oh how I
wanted to undress my heart, my spirit, my soul, all my dreams
lay them all
- naked, free, new born - before your eyes - nothing to hide .
This I did
for you, you did not see, you shot them down, you denied ,
told me I was
not your friend, told me I did not love you,
told me you
had only two friends, Christina, Randy.
This left me
no place to go - nothing more I can do.
Except
remember - I think you are as sweet as candy.
May 15th 2009
date: Friday,
May 15th, 2009 at 9:45M
There is no need for you to apologize for the way you expressed
yourself ( at least for what you considered your " poor English " )
as for the rest, well that is a different matter, one you will have to live
with .
And now back to my quandary
Moneca, my perplexity, my dilemma with regards to your last email to me and
your statements ( 1 ) " you don't have to
respond " and ( 2 ) " and I don't
want your apology ". Now Moneca, your latter statement - no. ( 2 ) - is unmistakably clear and concise, no
possibility of a second interpretation ,but being the complicated woman I have
experienced and know you to be, I have to question your former statement - no. ( 1 ) - and ask myself - and you for that matter - if
"you don't have to respond " means ( 1 )
" you don't have to " but if you want to you can ( an invitation to
do so ? ) or ( 2 ) that - like no. ( 2 ) "and I don't want your " what ever -
you are telling me not to communicate with you by any means at any time for any
reason .
Anyway Moneca, I think you can see the pickle I am in with regards to the above stated question and the uncertainty as to what to do about it. I want to send this off to you but don't know if I will for fear that I may upset you even more than you already are but if I don't then I will never know. If I do and you don't answer then I guess you will have answered my question. Do I want to know the answer ?, do I want what little hope I possess burned to ashes by your answer ?
I do not know what the out come of this will be but what ever it is - CHE SARA SARA - know that all I want and ever wanted for you Moneca, is the best that life has to offer .
Anyway Moneca, I think you can see the pickle I am in with regards to the above stated question and the uncertainty as to what to do about it. I want to send this off to you but don't know if I will for fear that I may upset you even more than you already are but if I don't then I will never know. If I do and you don't answer then I guess you will have answered my question. Do I want to know the answer ?, do I want what little hope I possess burned to ashes by your answer ?
I do not know what the out come of this will be but what ever it is - CHE SARA SARA - know that all I want and ever wanted for you Moneca, is the best that life has to offer .
date: Sunday,
May 17th, 2009 at 12:18 AM
Anywhichway Moneca, I hope you
find what you have been looking for, and if not, what you need. In the mean
time you have a great day and a great life .
Always, With
LOVE
subject: from Monika
Przysylam serdeczne ucalowania
Monika
So many times have I told you
wrote to me, you even do not respect my prosby.Tylko Your feelings arenajwazniejsze.
Mozemy surely talk in person and explain the misunderstanding but you you think
that it must be like you chcesz.Wiec I also decided not to respect you and I
did what I believed to be correct.
Sends heartfelt kiss
Sends heartfelt kiss
Monika
subject: A Sunday Journey
from: bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
date: Tuesday, May 19th, 2009 at 10:43 AM
to: Bill Atfield
from: bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
date: Tuesday, May 19th, 2009 at 10:43 AM
to: Bill Atfield
A JOURNEY
Into
Mother Nature's, realm - this day - did I take a walk.
Alone along the river's edge -
the edge of thoughts - with no one to talk.
Listen did I to the melodious
music of Mother Nature's, sound
permeating the air, reverberating
in my brain. it was all around.
There,
in the air, her sweet breath I had found
filling my nasal passages with delight
as I walked upon her ground.
Her
sweet breath filling my olfactory senses to the brim -
for some moments, my life's cup
seemed filled to the rim -
giving life to the silent music
of Mother Nature's, dance
bringing thoughts of two -
instead of one - onto the path of romance.
Life's
Sunday journey into Mother Nature, was by chance
as a detour was taken on the way
to Maple Ridge.
Before these eyes was the BUILDING
of a bridge,
not one but two and my thoughts
where of bridges BURNING.
The
loss of what my heart had long been yearning.
All my thoughts Moneca, where of
you
as I journeyed - nothing else
could I do
but think of the good, then the
burning of bridges not building them.
During my photographing and
hiking this day, thoughts of you did stem,
thoughts of, the burning of
bridges bringing to the for
a realization, that standing
among the ashes, you have closed the door.
This
is what I believe and I believe it's for ever more.
MAY 19th 2009
date: Thursday,
May 21st, 2009 at 3:33 AM
Hi ! A
Loving admirer .
Moneca has been notified of your Singing Birthday Card.
Moneca has been notified of your Singing Birthday Card.
subject: Door opening ?
Dear Bill :
I have ask you many times in the past not to write to me: You do not
respect my wishes. only Your own feelings matter. We could talk to each other
face to face and explain our differences ( misunderstandings ), but no, You pay
attention to what You want to do and every thing must be done Your own way. So
I also decided not to respect You and I did, what it, in my opinion is most
suitable for me
I send you sincere kisses.
Monika .
subject: Re
I do hope Monika that this
translation - " Dear Bill, / I have asked You many times in the past not
to write to me; You do not respect my wishes. Only Your own feelings matter. We
could talk to each other face to face and explain our differences (
misunderstandings ), but no You pay attention to what You want to do and
everything must be done Your own way. So I also decided not to respect You and
did what it in my opinion is most suitable for me. / I send You sincere kisses
. " is a true representation of the thoughts and feeling as you expressed
- in your native tongue ( for what ever reason ) - in your email to me .
I do understand You and
everything you have stated in your email ( if translated correctly ) Monika,
even though I have to admit that I am confused by it all and I have to tell you
that I certainly disagree with your interpretation of event, feelings and who
you claim me to be .
I have never disrespected you Moneca, and you know that I would never disrespect you Monika !
I know that you know how I have always felt about you and how I feel about you Monika, and I also know that you don't care nor want to be faced with it, but you know - no matter how hard you have tried - there is very little either of us can do about it.
I have had to live - for these past three years - with what it does me and you have had to live - when and if you have thought about me - with it's existence .
As for us meeting face to face Monika, well I have to tell you that I have as yet received an email, a letter or card or a phone call requesting or suggesting that we do so and as I painfully recall, the last time we came face to face - the day before your birthday - it did not end so amicably, as you gave me that salute and that look, turned your back to me and walked off leaving me standing there with my mouth hanging open in disbelief - not only because of your actions but also because of all the negative things you laid on me about your perception of me - fact or fiction - instead of a show of gratitude for my effort at expressing and showing you that I still care - regardless of the way thing were - and my acknowledgement of your birthday with a hug and best wishes for your day and as for respecting your wishes Monika, I did not embarrass you by giving you the birthday kiss I so wanted to right there on the parking lot in front of every one .All I could do is stand there in my broken heart and watch you fade away into memory on more time .
I do want to thank you Monika, for the " Dear Bill, " and the " I send You sincere kisses " of which I'd love nothing better than to feel just one of them even, pressed forever upon my lips.
I have never disrespected you Moneca, and you know that I would never disrespect you Monika !
I know that you know how I have always felt about you and how I feel about you Monika, and I also know that you don't care nor want to be faced with it, but you know - no matter how hard you have tried - there is very little either of us can do about it.
I have had to live - for these past three years - with what it does me and you have had to live - when and if you have thought about me - with it's existence .
As for us meeting face to face Monika, well I have to tell you that I have as yet received an email, a letter or card or a phone call requesting or suggesting that we do so and as I painfully recall, the last time we came face to face - the day before your birthday - it did not end so amicably, as you gave me that salute and that look, turned your back to me and walked off leaving me standing there with my mouth hanging open in disbelief - not only because of your actions but also because of all the negative things you laid on me about your perception of me - fact or fiction - instead of a show of gratitude for my effort at expressing and showing you that I still care - regardless of the way thing were - and my acknowledgement of your birthday with a hug and best wishes for your day and as for respecting your wishes Monika, I did not embarrass you by giving you the birthday kiss I so wanted to right there on the parking lot in front of every one .All I could do is stand there in my broken heart and watch you fade away into memory on more time .
I do want to thank you Monika, for the " Dear Bill, " and the " I send You sincere kisses " of which I'd love nothing better than to feel just one of them even, pressed forever upon my lips.
LOVE
subject: Re
from: bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
date: Friday, May 22nd, 2009 at 3:38 PM
to: Moneca Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
from: bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
date: Friday, May 22nd, 2009 at 3:38 PM
to: Moneca Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
KOCHAJĄ RACHUNEK
(USTAWA; OGŁASZAĆ)
(USTAWA; OGŁASZAĆ)
subject: ILLUSIONS
date: Friday,
May 22nd, 2009 at 6:51 PM
Illusions
Images of the grand Illusion,
have haunted many an hour.
I have come to the conclusion,
a Rose, may not be a beautiful flower.
The Illusion,/ Rose, they fill the void
left to me - by the way -
you have left me -
on the out side of your dream,
the out side of mine as well.
This story - in many ways - I often tell
and in the end, what may seem
an effort in futility to be
the price I will have to pay.
In this life there is no way to avoid
what design, fate, the Lady, fair -
beautiful and with blond hair -
leave for this one.
A world come undone.
A world of delusions ?,
of illusions ?
?????????????????
B.J."A" 2
May 22nd, 2009
subject: Re
Good job Bill, we have totally
different opinion and we see the same situation in completely deferent way.You
think that you understand me very well I think something opposite this mean
that is waste of our time to exchange e-mails.You like typing very much I
don't, you like writing letters and describing with details your emotion(
melting all over again the same words) I don't like reading.Too bad that you
don't remember our last conversation when you call me a liar and you were very
unpleasant and I had to hang up.You have very selective memory, you remember
what you want to remember.Anyway I don't want to play ping-pong with you If you
have any concrete suggestions or solutions give me a call and we can to talk
face to face.If not , leave me alone and don't send me any e-mails. I
understand after 3 years your existence in dream word you became too sensitive
and you receive my reaction as putting you down.
Take care
Monika
subject: Re
Monika, my dear ;
You know Monika, I find it so very hard to believe that a woman with your social back ground, your level of education, your degree of intelligence, your storehouse of knowledge can be so blinded by her own self worth, that all she can see, is all about herself and all about what she wants or all about what she dose not want, or does not want to see - as is obvious in just about all that you have written ( this you can not deny which is why you do not want to write or be written to, for once it is out there for all to see, you can not hide behind the lawyering articulations you try to baffle brains with in order to deflect, to deny, to hide, to be in control of, to be always right ) and in most of your conversations ( diatribes / tirades ) you do this as well which is why you do not want written thoughts, feelings, experiences, for there is no chance to manipulate, to control, to twist, to deny - its all there before your eye and like it or not Monika, you have to look and have to see,and this - at all costs - you do not want to be.
I know Monika, that - in your eyes, your estimation and in reality as well - I am nothing more than an indigent, uneducated, disabled, unintelligent, Senior citizen who wants to give to you ( love, understanding, companionship, friendship ) what you do not want from me and what you have proven in action and word will never give to me and so Monika, just what is there for this man ?, who wants to give and is given nothing back ( reciprocal ) except negativity, rejection, rejection of my feeling, my actions, rejection of a means of communication that avoids the results that came to be because of your verbal assault on my effort to make your birthday a pleasant one and show you that I care and think about you .
Reality check Monika, all I got from you for my efforts - Friday afternoon, Saturday afternoon - to make your birthday a pleasant one was your negativity ,as stated in my last gmail to you, and the verbal abuse you laid on me after I had left the gifts I gave to you on your door step instead of giving them to you in person because your car was not in it's usual spot in the underground parking lot as I walked by it on my - for your benefit ( less conspicuous ) way to your place .
Reality check again Monika, all I got from you for my two days of efforts to make your birthday a special day for you was verbal abuse, first words out of your mouth - forget Friday - after receiving my gifts was " I was playing games " and responding with " you are the only game player in this relationship, I DO NOT PLY GAMES, that is your modus operandi, your forte, and that is not calling you a liar Monika, as you allege in your email .
There is no where to go Monika, you do not want to read what I write - emails, letters or their subject matter, for that matter - you do not want to hear what I have to say - you hang up or you change the subject and even worse you have told me, on more then one occasion, to shut up - and so Monika, what is left besides to listen ?, ( as I have always done ) to your stories, your feelings, your beliefs, your opinions, your diatribes, your tirades etc,
I just do not know Monika, for me to do as you have suggested - " If you have any concrete suggestions or solutions " - which have permeated every poem, every letter, every card and every verbal expression ( to no avail ) that I have tried to bring to your consciousness - for as time has proven, my opinions, my attempts to enlighten have fallen on deaf ears and have been set before blind eyes.
All I want and ever wanted Monika, was to find some happiness in what is left of this old life of mine, to give what I can to another human being, to love and be loved in return, to share in the joys and pleasures that life and love and a lover can bring to a relationship, to be treated with respect and consideration and be appreciated for who and what I am and what I give and to have what I give and have given to be appreciated an that appreciation be out in the open not hidden behind the mask of indifference .
I am going to send this off to you Monika, like it or not, and I am doing so to save a repeat of the sad scenario, the heart wrenching acts - from both of us - that took place on your birthday. I never wanted to be nor do I want to be the source for your pain or your heart ache Monika, but as last Saturday has shown I no longer will sit back and take your but downs, your belittlement's, your judgments, your harsh criticisms or your indifference to my efforts at trying to express myself by what ever means - be it verbal, written, gmail or physical expressions of affection. If none of this is acceptable Monika, and you can not find what you have ask for among all of the above '' If you have any concrete suggestions or solutions " then I guess " If not leave me alone " will be the direction - one I have been taking for some time now .
All I ever asked of you Monika, was to treat me, give to me, be with me as you have been and are with all the men you have been seeing for the past three years - to give me the same respect, the same consideration, the same affection. We know that I would like it to be a lot less superficial, more from the heart. I know that you have not that to give and so have been willing to accept what little you have to give but am no longer willing to accept anything less than you so freely give to others, even strangers.
Monika, being the smart, bright woman you are I am sure that you will find among all the above the " concrete suggestions " and " solutions " to our difficulties. If not then I guess where we are at this very moment is where we will be at forever more .
Well my Dear, what ever the out come I do hope that you will be civil to me should our paths cross from time to time. Regardless know that you can always count on me being your friend even if you care not for me to fill that position .
You have a great life Monika, and do take good care .
BILL .
subject:On One's Passing
date: Sunday, July 26th, 2009 at 1:07 PM
to: Moneca Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
This card and these flowers are not the arms
I wanted to hold you with, to comfort you with,
to support you with during these troubling times.
I do hope, though, that you will accept them in place
of all that I wanted to give to you from my heart and soul.
I do hope that, in them, you can see that they convey
my deepest sympathies for your loss and the issues that followed.
I also hope that, in them, you may find some sense of solace,
that may help you get through and past all that has been,
and is, and will be before you.
LOVE
Bill .
Bill .
subject Distances .
As I
promised, here's the gmai,l I asked, if you'd mind me sending .
As is
obvious, I have arrived here in Ontario Brantford
So much for me Monika, how are you ? I hope all is well and that you had a great time with your usual Wednesday get together ?, meeting ?, tryst ?, date ? I am truly sorry Monika, that you could not find it in your heart to forgo that which you often, as of late, do Wednesday evenings and spend my last night in town, with me. I will leave it at that, for I think it all was said, and I have heard it loud and clear. Anyway my Dear, there is no point in my telling you how I feel for I am sure there are better things that can bring laughter to you .
Anyway Monika, you know, and on that note I must go, so you do take good care and I hope, that of me, sometimes you will be aware .
So much for me Monika, how are you ? I hope all is well and that you had a great time with your usual Wednesday get together ?, meeting ?, tryst ?, date ? I am truly sorry Monika, that you could not find it in your heart to forgo that which you often, as of late, do Wednesday evenings and spend my last night in town, with me. I will leave it at that, for I think it all was said, and I have heard it loud and clear. Anyway my Dear, there is no point in my telling you how I feel for I am sure there are better things that can bring laughter to you .
Anyway Monika, you know, and on that note I must go, so you do take good care and I hope, that of me, sometimes you will be aware .
LOVE
Bill .
Bill .
date: Thursday, August 27 th, 2009 at 2:0 PM
to: Moneca Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
My Dear Monika :
I am sorry
for not adding to the message on the card I delivered to you - just to wrapped
up in the thoughts of where you must be at and forgot. Anyway my Dear, although
I am sure that you already know this, know that my door is always open for you,
that my shoulder will always be there for you to lean on and my ears will
always be open and receptive to anything you wish to talk of, that may be
troubling you or not, or any other need you may have .
Thank you for the kind words you left on my answering machine .
I wish that there was more I could do for you, to help and see you through .
It was good to see and be with you once again, even if for a brief moment in time .
You do take good care Monika .
LOVE
Bill .
date: Friday, September 11th, 2009 at 3:21 PM
to: Moneca Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
Dear Monika :
I am
really SORRY MONECA, that you have the feelings towards me that you expressed
this afternoon. I know that by my typing the following beliefs, as I heard and
felt them, that you will say to any one, as well as to me, should you ever
communicate with me again, that " my assumptions are incorrect " and
that they come from my " sick mind " .
I do believe Moneca, that you were - with your hostile, critical, verbal put downs, as well as the way you departed, ( almost running me down ) - telling me that, as far as you are concerned, you do not want any further involvement or communication with me . " Goodnight and goodbye " was your way of saying, I have forgotten or want to forget all the wonderful times that we shared, I do not want to acknowledge all that you have done with me or for me, you are a history that I do not want to look upon with any kind of positiveness, or fondness of thought, or of feelings. I do believe Monika, that as far as you are concerned, I no longer exist as a viable entity in your world, a human being, a friend that you want to be there for you, or to be there at all .
Well Monika, no matter what, " sick mind and all " I will always cherish that which you gave, that which you shared, that which you allowed me to give to you and for those few brief moments when you let me into the inter sanctum of your being. Memories and experiences to carry me past all that you have laid before me my Dear, will help me through and past all that I now - as I have for a long time - believe is your burning of that fragile bridge that once laid between us, brought us together from time to time, the closing of your doors on me, the last chapter of our story. THE END .
CAN IT BE ?
PS What ever the out come Monika, ? I would like to think that you will still allow me the first right of refusal on the last painting you showed me, that of a shadow of a man, a ghostly image hovering over the body of a beautiful woman, as they lay in the darkness of what appears to be a romantic interlude?, the act of love ?, or is just the act of sexuality ?
LOVE
Bill .
subject: The End ?
from: Moneca Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
date: Tuesday, September 15th, 2009 at 10:52 AM
to: bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
Yes, The End
subject: The End ?
from: Moneca Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
date: Tuesday, September 15th, 2009 at 10:52 AM
to: bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
Well my Dear Monika :
It seems as
though the writing is on the wall Monika, - the writing, Monika, I believe, has
been before these eyes ever since we touched down on the tarmac of Vancouver's
airport, after that beautiful month we spent together exploring the lay of the
lands of Ontario, Quebec, Massachusetts, and back to Brantford, as well as
their history and cultures - and you are making it very clear to me my Dear.
I do hope you will forgive me Monika, - not for my sake, but for your benefit - for taking this method of communicating to you my thoughts, so that I might be able to express what I feel I must, and I know from past and present experiences that this is the only way I can convey to you what I think and feel without you shutting me down or hanging up on me .
I have been the way I have been Monika, because I was not ready to quit or believe or accept - what you have made me painfully aware of for the past two plus years - that you felt I was not a man, a person, a friend worthy of your respect, your consideration, your affections, your love - even if that love, respect, consideration was nothing more than expressions for a fellow human being, a friend.
Unfortunately for me, my Dear, during these past months you have made it crystal clear as to how you feel about me, what you think of me, - " it wasn't important enough for me to change my plans in order to join you for a couple of hours, to have supper with you on your last evening in B.C., before you left for Ontario. ", " I didn't answer your gmail from Brantford because of something you wrote in it ", and of coarse there was the very clear message you sent me after telling me of your fathers passing - the physical rejection of what you did not want me to do before the thought of, could be given birth from the womb of my subconscious and turned into a reality - that message being " I do not want you to put your arms around me, I do not want you to take me in your arms and comfort me in my hours of pain ", the pain you where suffering because of your fathers passing on and the pain inflicted by your brother because you chose not to go to Poland to attend your fathers funeral. And the message just keep on coming, clearer with every act played out before me, such as the lack of invitations - there was no invitation to accompany you to the blue berry farm or to COSCO, no invitation to call you some time nor was a reference made that you might call me , no mention that we might talk some time or meet up for a walk. This same scenario existed when you left me a message on my answering machine, thanking me for my gift of flowers and card. Thank you, but not a word to say I will call you later, no word to say call me when you get this message, not a word to suggest that we might talk later, and so my Dear, even this stupid fool, this unintelligent senior, can see that your messages are quite clear .
I have to wonder Monika,?, just what is it that drives you to hate me so much, that all you have given to me - ever since we landed back here and onto the lives we now live ( that has escalated in frequency and intensity, to the point of my annihilation, my extinction, the termination of my being ) - is your hostility, your negativity, your indifference, your disrespect and inconsiderateness. Is it me ?, I know that you'd say so - and maybe rightly so - or is it something else that is coming out from with in those deep, dark places inside of you, those places that you seem to draw all this animosity for me, and shower me with .
I wonder why ?, it is that when you ask a question of me, you are not willing to listen, or want to listen to the answers I might be able to provide, and this was no more obvious, then when I was trying to answer your questions last Friday and your responses to my efforts, was to put - not once but twice - your hand to my mouth, preventing me form speaking, shutting me up and effectively shutting me down. I also wonder why it is ?, that when you say to me that you do not understand what I say / have written / typed - the meaning of - you would go to some one else who knows absolutely nothing and certainly nothing about me or the circumstances behind what I have tried to get across - the explanation of - and again, instead of gaining some insight, some understanding, some enlightenment, you once again shut me up, shut me down in the middle of or the beginning of my attempt to explain, by hanging up on me and again effectively closing the doors to understanding and on any further communication. I get it, I've gotten the message Monika, and so will remain a ghost in the back ground until we may meet by chance and you will speak to me or you have a change of heart and make contact, something I believe you will never do or make happen.
Do you treat me the way you do Monika, ?, because you hate me so, - maybe to strong - maybe it's because I mean absolutely nothing to you, as your response to my question, " why do you bother with me " seems to indicate, - " I don't bother with you " and is solidified by the facts that have come before me this past year, except for one Saturday evening - for a couple of hours - that we spent at Rocky Point Park .
Monika, my Dear, where has Moneca gone ?, and why does Monika, carry so much animosity in her heart ?, in her head ?, in her life for me. Where is the Moneca ?, I so believed in, the Moneca, I so wanted to believe lived behind those beautiful Autumn Green Eyes that I so longed to look deeply into during the long hours of night, look into in the brightness of day, look into, that often hid behind sun glasses or diverted from being looked directly into. Where is the Moneca, these eyes of mine, these hands of mine, this heart of mine so longed to see, to touch, to feel, to know so intimately beating next to mine, beating in unison as we walked through dream land, down the pathways of life and those of mother nature. Adventures, explorations, experiences .
Why is it that Moneca, used to and Monika, now does ?, find it necessary to always be telling me who she thinks I am, as a person, as a man, as a human being, as a friend and telling me what I think, what I feel, what I don't think, what I don't feel, what I should do and what not to do, etc., etc., but never in a constructive or positive way. Now I realize and acknowledge that every one has an opinion and are entitled to their opinions, but opinions are like A Holes, every one has one, but those opinions do not make the man that they are projected upon nor do they reflect the true image of that man, they are just opinions in the head of the creator and nothing more. It would be a sad society if we lived up to the life, an others opinion has created . This man is not the reality - based upon your point of view, your perspective, your perception, your projections, your beliefs - you have convinced your self he is.
You have asked questions - one would hope in order to gain insight, understanding, wisdom - but never listen or want to hear the answer, for you already believe you know it all, and this one has to wonder ?, if it is only I with whom you play this deadly game or do you do this to others ? I believe not, for you have told me that I am the only man you treat the way you treat me. What does that say ?, about how you feel about me, for me. Repeating myself Monika, why did Moneca, and why does Monika, shut me down, shut me up, turn her back on me, avoid me, ignore me, hang up on me, turn things around or change the subject on me as I try to answer her questions or provide an explanation.
Why ?, did Moneca, and Monika, bury the Monica, I never had the good fortune to meet, never had the pleasure to know, you know, the Monica you told me of, told me about, that was supposed to have existed at one time, the Monica that was kind ,considerate, good hearted, thoughtful, lovable and loving, the Monica, that was passionate, affectionate, spontaneous and all the other desirable, good qualities a human being should harbour within the very essence of their hearts and souls and be the very fabric and fiber of their relationships with their fellow man.
Why ?, is it Monika, that you and Moneca, never really wanted to see all the love, did not want to believe that love existed, did not want to accept all the love that lay at the heart of every word, spoken, every word written, every word typed, in every act performed and in every reaction to your positivity and negativity. Why ?, is it that Moneca, and Monika, can not see, or do not want to see that it is love and it was love that made all that was unacceptable, tolerable and made all that was intolerable, acceptable, and with hardly ever a word spoken to you of these things - except that is ( but never in anger or in harsh words ) in written prose and poetry, for that has been and is the only way I have been able to get across and get out all that you never allow me to say when we have been face to face or on the phone, as this past Friday's performance can readily attest to and has made very clear.
It was and it is love and respect for you Moneca, and Monika, that has kept, and keeps me from firing back at you in kind, although in my attempt to defend myself from time to time, I am sure you felt that I was treating you as you treat me, but know this Monika, that no matter what came out of my mouth, it was never meant to be mean spirited, negative or angry words speaking for my heart, just words to defend against the negative, hostile, angry feelings you put to words and fired at me. Know Monika, that all the pain I felt as you shot me full of negative bullets, fired at me with all your anger, your hostility and your desire to inflict as much pain and damage as possible, I never once thought of giving up on you or stop loving you, no matter how many times you shot me in the back or in the face. Know Monika, that it was and is love that kept life's blood flowing through the veins of this unusual and strange relationship we have indulged in. A relationship Monika, I believe you have killed off and buried so deep that it has reached into the distant past, and that past has now become the present. It took five years before the past could fade enough to allow the present a new life, a life that has lasted for only two and a half years before reverting back to the hatred, the animosity that fueled the first five years. This is what I believe to be Monika, I hope I am wrong, only you and time will tell whether the present will be fueled by the past and all that anger and hate you once held for me will now be, once again the dominant source of energy brought into the future. Will it take another five years ?, Monika, before you can see that I am not the man you had created way back when, and am not the man you have now created, a man you say " does not mean what he says and does not say what he means " . A man whom you believe must be a liar.
You have said to me on more than one occasion Monika, that I never loved you, I don't love you, you say that I don't respect you and never respected you and yet you know that, that is simply not true, not the case, for you have seen, you have felt, you have experienced, many times - should you care to admit - ( ninety nine percent of the time ) just the opposite. You know Monika, from all the times we have spent together during two and a half years of the past three plus years, that I have held myself back, held myself in check, kept myself from doing all the things a man in love with a woman would do every minute of every day they where in each others company. I know that I slipped Monika, from time to time, but you - in all honesty - know that for the most part I acted upon your desire for me to be as aloof as you and never touched or forced myself upon you, always holding back my feelings, my desires, my love for you in respect of yours, and that Monika, is the sign of love for another - giving up yourself for the self of your love. All this I did Monika, in respect for where you where and are at, and for what you feel and don't feel about me and for me. I have repressed and suppressed so much of what I wanted to share with you, give to you, would have loved to have gotten from you and you know all this yet you have the audacity - when you know better - to say to me, and whom ever else, that I don't love you, that I don't respect you, am not your friend and all the other negative ideas, feelings you can throw at me.
Anyway Moneca, the Moneca, I so wanted to know, the Moneca, I thought I knew, and Monica, that I would have loved to have known, ( if that Monica ever really existed ) and Monika, the Monika, that now eludes me, the Monika that now is in control. Know all of you that I have to admit that it was a privilege and a pleasure to have had the opportunity to be a part of one of you and to have touched that one of you, a time or two.
I am truly saddened, truly sorry Monika, that you , once again, have come to a place, to a state of being where you find it necessary to have some excuse in order to tell me, to show me, just what it is that you truly ?, think of me, feel for me, feel about me, and that saddens me deeply Monika, to know that you do not care, and I know that I have to accept that which I can not change - you and your mind - even though I never and would never entertain the thought, - just thought I might be able to help you open up, let it all out - and how foolish of me !
I gave to you freely, my hand with no strings, I gave to you my heart, so that you might pluck it's strings and hear the tunes it played , I gave to you my love, to comfort and shelter you, I gave to you my time, to do with as pleased you, I gave to you my all as one would give to his lover, his girlfriend, I gave to you my all, as a friend would give in friendship, but none of it seemed as if it was good enough for you, satisfied you, met with your approval .
There seems little I can give to you now except my absence, and after this gmail, my silence .
I just received your email Monika, "
YES, THE END. " and so there is just one thing that I need to know ?,
should our paths cross, do I step aside and walk on by without saying a word ?,
without acknowledging your presence, should I see you some were, do I avoid
coming up to you to say hello and ask you how you are ?
Thank you for the memories, MONECA .
subject: A RiverSongs Card Just For You!
to: Moneca Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
Thank you for the kind words you left on my answering machine .
I wish that there was more I could do for you, to help and see you through .
It was good to see and be with you once again, even if for a brief moment in time .
You do take good care Monika .
LOVE
Bill .
subject:
The End ?
from: bja2mgmenter@gmail.comdate: Friday, September 11th, 2009 at 3:21 PM
to: Moneca Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
I do believe Moneca, that you were - with your hostile, critical, verbal put downs, as well as the way you departed, ( almost running me down ) - telling me that, as far as you are concerned, you do not want any further involvement or communication with me . " Goodnight and goodbye " was your way of saying, I have forgotten or want to forget all the wonderful times that we shared, I do not want to acknowledge all that you have done with me or for me, you are a history that I do not want to look upon with any kind of positiveness, or fondness of thought, or of feelings. I do believe Monika, that as far as you are concerned, I no longer exist as a viable entity in your world, a human being, a friend that you want to be there for you, or to be there at all .
Well Monika, no matter what, " sick mind and all " I will always cherish that which you gave, that which you shared, that which you allowed me to give to you and for those few brief moments when you let me into the inter sanctum of your being. Memories and experiences to carry me past all that you have laid before me my Dear, will help me through and past all that I now - as I have for a long time - believe is your burning of that fragile bridge that once laid between us, brought us together from time to time, the closing of your doors on me, the last chapter of our story. THE END .
CAN IT BE ?
PS What ever the out come Monika, ? I would like to think that you will still allow me the first right of refusal on the last painting you showed me, that of a shadow of a man, a ghostly image hovering over the body of a beautiful woman, as they lay in the darkness of what appears to be a romantic interlude?, the act of love ?, or is just the act of sexuality ?
from: Moneca Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
date: Tuesday, September 15th, 2009 at 10:52 AM
to: bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
Yes, The End
from: Moneca Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
date: Tuesday, September 15th, 2009 at 10:52 AM
to: bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
Well my Dear Monika :
I do hope you will forgive me Monika, - not for my sake, but for your benefit - for taking this method of communicating to you my thoughts, so that I might be able to express what I feel I must, and I know from past and present experiences that this is the only way I can convey to you what I think and feel without you shutting me down or hanging up on me .
I have been the way I have been Monika, because I was not ready to quit or believe or accept - what you have made me painfully aware of for the past two plus years - that you felt I was not a man, a person, a friend worthy of your respect, your consideration, your affections, your love - even if that love, respect, consideration was nothing more than expressions for a fellow human being, a friend.
Unfortunately for me, my Dear, during these past months you have made it crystal clear as to how you feel about me, what you think of me, - " it wasn't important enough for me to change my plans in order to join you for a couple of hours, to have supper with you on your last evening in B.C., before you left for Ontario. ", " I didn't answer your gmail from Brantford because of something you wrote in it ", and of coarse there was the very clear message you sent me after telling me of your fathers passing - the physical rejection of what you did not want me to do before the thought of, could be given birth from the womb of my subconscious and turned into a reality - that message being " I do not want you to put your arms around me, I do not want you to take me in your arms and comfort me in my hours of pain ", the pain you where suffering because of your fathers passing on and the pain inflicted by your brother because you chose not to go to Poland to attend your fathers funeral. And the message just keep on coming, clearer with every act played out before me, such as the lack of invitations - there was no invitation to accompany you to the blue berry farm or to COSCO, no invitation to call you some time nor was a reference made that you might call me , no mention that we might talk some time or meet up for a walk. This same scenario existed when you left me a message on my answering machine, thanking me for my gift of flowers and card. Thank you, but not a word to say I will call you later, no word to say call me when you get this message, not a word to suggest that we might talk later, and so my Dear, even this stupid fool, this unintelligent senior, can see that your messages are quite clear .
I have to wonder Monika,?, just what is it that drives you to hate me so much, that all you have given to me - ever since we landed back here and onto the lives we now live ( that has escalated in frequency and intensity, to the point of my annihilation, my extinction, the termination of my being ) - is your hostility, your negativity, your indifference, your disrespect and inconsiderateness. Is it me ?, I know that you'd say so - and maybe rightly so - or is it something else that is coming out from with in those deep, dark places inside of you, those places that you seem to draw all this animosity for me, and shower me with .
I see your beautiful face in every
drop of my tears.
I see your lovely face in every
place, throughout our years.
I see your exquisite face haunt the
very fiber of my fears.
I see your face upon the walls of my
time.
I see your face every day, knowing
you'd never be mine.
I see your face, it hurts me so, yet
I want what is sublime.
I see your beautiful face slowly
want to fade.
I see your lovely face and believe,
superficially made.
I see your exquisite face empty and
staid.
My heart beats to the incessant
pounding of tear drops,
upon this tired old face, expressing
the pain of loss,
the loss of what I never really had
in the first place,
it all comes to the surface and is
read all over my face.
Why ?, was I so receptive, so
willing to sacrifice
my heart, my soul, my spirit, put
them in the vice-
grip- of love, let it squeeze out
every drop of life,
chop them up into tiny pieces with
the Butcher's knife.
B.J."A"
September 6th 2009
I wonder why ?, it is that when you ask a question of me, you are not willing to listen, or want to listen to the answers I might be able to provide, and this was no more obvious, then when I was trying to answer your questions last Friday and your responses to my efforts, was to put - not once but twice - your hand to my mouth, preventing me form speaking, shutting me up and effectively shutting me down. I also wonder why it is ?, that when you say to me that you do not understand what I say / have written / typed - the meaning of - you would go to some one else who knows absolutely nothing and certainly nothing about me or the circumstances behind what I have tried to get across - the explanation of - and again, instead of gaining some insight, some understanding, some enlightenment, you once again shut me up, shut me down in the middle of or the beginning of my attempt to explain, by hanging up on me and again effectively closing the doors to understanding and on any further communication. I get it, I've gotten the message Monika, and so will remain a ghost in the back ground until we may meet by chance and you will speak to me or you have a change of heart and make contact, something I believe you will never do or make happen.
Do you treat me the way you do Monika, ?, because you hate me so, - maybe to strong - maybe it's because I mean absolutely nothing to you, as your response to my question, " why do you bother with me " seems to indicate, - " I don't bother with you " and is solidified by the facts that have come before me this past year, except for one Saturday evening - for a couple of hours - that we spent at Rocky Point Park .
Oh Monika,
my sweet and lovely Monika :
Monika, my Dear, where has Moneca gone ?, and why does Monika, carry so much animosity in her heart ?, in her head ?, in her life for me. Where is the Moneca ?, I so believed in, the Moneca, I so wanted to believe lived behind those beautiful Autumn Green Eyes that I so longed to look deeply into during the long hours of night, look into in the brightness of day, look into, that often hid behind sun glasses or diverted from being looked directly into. Where is the Moneca, these eyes of mine, these hands of mine, this heart of mine so longed to see, to touch, to feel, to know so intimately beating next to mine, beating in unison as we walked through dream land, down the pathways of life and those of mother nature. Adventures, explorations, experiences .
Why is it that Moneca, used to and Monika, now does ?, find it necessary to always be telling me who she thinks I am, as a person, as a man, as a human being, as a friend and telling me what I think, what I feel, what I don't think, what I don't feel, what I should do and what not to do, etc., etc., but never in a constructive or positive way. Now I realize and acknowledge that every one has an opinion and are entitled to their opinions, but opinions are like A Holes, every one has one, but those opinions do not make the man that they are projected upon nor do they reflect the true image of that man, they are just opinions in the head of the creator and nothing more. It would be a sad society if we lived up to the life, an others opinion has created . This man is not the reality - based upon your point of view, your perspective, your perception, your projections, your beliefs - you have convinced your self he is.
You have asked questions - one would hope in order to gain insight, understanding, wisdom - but never listen or want to hear the answer, for you already believe you know it all, and this one has to wonder ?, if it is only I with whom you play this deadly game or do you do this to others ? I believe not, for you have told me that I am the only man you treat the way you treat me. What does that say ?, about how you feel about me, for me. Repeating myself Monika, why did Moneca, and why does Monika, shut me down, shut me up, turn her back on me, avoid me, ignore me, hang up on me, turn things around or change the subject on me as I try to answer her questions or provide an explanation.
Why ?, did Moneca, and Monika, bury the Monica, I never had the good fortune to meet, never had the pleasure to know, you know, the Monica you told me of, told me about, that was supposed to have existed at one time, the Monica that was kind ,considerate, good hearted, thoughtful, lovable and loving, the Monica, that was passionate, affectionate, spontaneous and all the other desirable, good qualities a human being should harbour within the very essence of their hearts and souls and be the very fabric and fiber of their relationships with their fellow man.
Why ?, is it Monika, that you and Moneca, never really wanted to see all the love, did not want to believe that love existed, did not want to accept all the love that lay at the heart of every word, spoken, every word written, every word typed, in every act performed and in every reaction to your positivity and negativity. Why ?, is it that Moneca, and Monika, can not see, or do not want to see that it is love and it was love that made all that was unacceptable, tolerable and made all that was intolerable, acceptable, and with hardly ever a word spoken to you of these things - except that is ( but never in anger or in harsh words ) in written prose and poetry, for that has been and is the only way I have been able to get across and get out all that you never allow me to say when we have been face to face or on the phone, as this past Friday's performance can readily attest to and has made very clear.
It was and it is love and respect for you Moneca, and Monika, that has kept, and keeps me from firing back at you in kind, although in my attempt to defend myself from time to time, I am sure you felt that I was treating you as you treat me, but know this Monika, that no matter what came out of my mouth, it was never meant to be mean spirited, negative or angry words speaking for my heart, just words to defend against the negative, hostile, angry feelings you put to words and fired at me. Know Monika, that all the pain I felt as you shot me full of negative bullets, fired at me with all your anger, your hostility and your desire to inflict as much pain and damage as possible, I never once thought of giving up on you or stop loving you, no matter how many times you shot me in the back or in the face. Know Monika, that it was and is love that kept life's blood flowing through the veins of this unusual and strange relationship we have indulged in. A relationship Monika, I believe you have killed off and buried so deep that it has reached into the distant past, and that past has now become the present. It took five years before the past could fade enough to allow the present a new life, a life that has lasted for only two and a half years before reverting back to the hatred, the animosity that fueled the first five years. This is what I believe to be Monika, I hope I am wrong, only you and time will tell whether the present will be fueled by the past and all that anger and hate you once held for me will now be, once again the dominant source of energy brought into the future. Will it take another five years ?, Monika, before you can see that I am not the man you had created way back when, and am not the man you have now created, a man you say " does not mean what he says and does not say what he means " . A man whom you believe must be a liar.
You have said to me on more than one occasion Monika, that I never loved you, I don't love you, you say that I don't respect you and never respected you and yet you know that, that is simply not true, not the case, for you have seen, you have felt, you have experienced, many times - should you care to admit - ( ninety nine percent of the time ) just the opposite. You know Monika, from all the times we have spent together during two and a half years of the past three plus years, that I have held myself back, held myself in check, kept myself from doing all the things a man in love with a woman would do every minute of every day they where in each others company. I know that I slipped Monika, from time to time, but you - in all honesty - know that for the most part I acted upon your desire for me to be as aloof as you and never touched or forced myself upon you, always holding back my feelings, my desires, my love for you in respect of yours, and that Monika, is the sign of love for another - giving up yourself for the self of your love. All this I did Monika, in respect for where you where and are at, and for what you feel and don't feel about me and for me. I have repressed and suppressed so much of what I wanted to share with you, give to you, would have loved to have gotten from you and you know all this yet you have the audacity - when you know better - to say to me, and whom ever else, that I don't love you, that I don't respect you, am not your friend and all the other negative ideas, feelings you can throw at me.
Anyway Moneca, the Moneca, I so wanted to know, the Moneca, I thought I knew, and Monica, that I would have loved to have known, ( if that Monica ever really existed ) and Monika, the Monika, that now eludes me, the Monika that now is in control. Know all of you that I have to admit that it was a privilege and a pleasure to have had the opportunity to be a part of one of you and to have touched that one of you, a time or two.
I am truly saddened, truly sorry Monika, that you , once again, have come to a place, to a state of being where you find it necessary to have some excuse in order to tell me, to show me, just what it is that you truly ?, think of me, feel for me, feel about me, and that saddens me deeply Monika, to know that you do not care, and I know that I have to accept that which I can not change - you and your mind - even though I never and would never entertain the thought, - just thought I might be able to help you open up, let it all out - and how foolish of me !
I
have always felt that you, never could care.
I
hoped, but you never ever pretended to care.
It
is now so clear, you will never be there.
That's
my life, that's you, that's fate, so unfair.
I am sorry
that you never wanted to hear, never wanted to listen to, never wanted to feel
the rhythms in the songs of love that I sang to you, that came from out of my
heart, never wanted to read it, never wanted to see it, never felt it ( LOVE )
in the lyrics I wrote into the life of so many of my letters, so many of my
poems to you.
The end of me is in your hands Monika, in
your world, and it - my end - may not be so bad as it now seems to me at this
very minute, for I do have some moments to remember - and they where great -
that can carry me through, carry me past the end, moments that allowed me the
opportunity to touch the Dream, - YOU - and that Monika, will keep Moneca,
alive in my memory's hoard , and this Monika, I will always be most grateful
for .
There are
these great, and heavy chains that seem to bind my heart to the thoughts of
you, they're dragging me down.
The ride I took was as good as it could be, but the
links that bind my mind to the thoughts of you are not very sound.
I can now see - with eyes wide open, not blinded by
my love for you - that with you I will not see , love found.
My heart, my soul, my every moment in that beautiful
dream, my life, my thoughts, you fill all, you surround.
I gave to you freely, my hand with no strings, I gave to you my heart, so that you might pluck it's strings and hear the tunes it played , I gave to you my love, to comfort and shelter you, I gave to you my time, to do with as pleased you, I gave to you my all as one would give to his lover, his girlfriend, I gave to you my all, as a friend would give in friendship, but none of it seemed as if it was good enough for you, satisfied you, met with your approval .
There seems little I can give to you now except my absence, and after this gmail, my silence .
Thank you for the memories, MONECA .
subject: A RiverSongs Card Just For You!
from: Moneca Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
date: Saturday, October 10th, 2009 at 11:06 PM
to: bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
date: Saturday, October 10th, 2009 at 11:06 PM
to: bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
Moneca also included this message:
I wish you a wonderfulHoliday
Moneca
I wish you a wonderful
Moneca
Chapter 166
In a letter to Joyce, - 3 Pages
October 12th 2009
My Dear Joyce :
as for the Princess, she has closed the gates, lifted the draw bridge
and has been gone for the past two weeks. I think she has gone to California
I will include my latest
attempt at poetry along with two letters I gmailed to the Princess, who said
that she did not understand what I was saying and that she showed them to
someone else – probably mr. white head ( Robert White ) who she said “ his name
is David ” – who concurred with her and so Joyce I would like your honest analysis
of these two gmail letters to Monika.
( 1 )
Has what I wrote been nasty, mean spirited, cruel in it’s contents
( 2 )
Is what I have written unclear ?, all over the place ?, Vague ?
( 3 ) Is the structure of my letters /
poems so bad, so far off the mark ?, that it makes it impossible to understand
what I presented her with and to have someone else agree with her descriptions
of my letters ?
Anyway Joyce, what ever, I am
out of Monika’s life and her sight, all that can hope for is that I can get her
out of mine and my head as easily - I know !!!, - as I have come to accept,
that she is out of my life, or at least , I am out of her life – and the moat
just keeps on getting deeper and deeper, wider and wider, so much wider now,
that if she where – for any reason – to let the draw bridge down, it would not
be able to reach the opposite bank, for the shore has been eroded – been cut
away – to the point that one could never reach the door !!!
LOVE
Bll .
Bll .
subject: B.J."A" 2, your message
has been read by monecaray@shaw.ca
from: Moneca Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
date: Tuseday, October 13th, 2009 at 3:23 PM
Dear B.J."A" 2 Thankful,
on the following date: 2009-10-13 14:59:18
date: Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 at 1:31 PM
Hi I just came back from nice vacation.
Monika
date: Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 at 1:46 PM
My Dear
Monika :
Thank you
for the insight. I am glad that you had a " nice vacation " Monika,
and hope that your holiday ( Thanks Giving ) was nice, as well.
It sounds
like, seems like things have come together for you, every thing is working out,
and you have found your place in the sun, which makes me be happy for you .
You do take good care, and enjoy what has come your
way.
date: Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 at 3:37 PM
Hi Dear Bill
What you mean " nice vacation" this sound which you heard
doesn't vibrant in way what you mean.I found my place in the sun a long time
ago.But I am glad that you are happy.I enjoy almost every day in my life.
Take care
Monika
subject: Re: came back
date: Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 at 5:06 PM
What I meant Monika, was what
I said " I am glad that you had a " nice vacation ", that
statement was based on your email statement, that I just gmailed you back.
I am having a hard time
understanding why you do not comprehend my intention, my meaning, it seems so
clear and simple, straight forward.
I am sorry Monika, but I do
not think I will be able to answer your question to your satisfaction .
Must go, so do take good care .
subject: Re: came back
date: Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 at 9:04 PM
subject: Re: came back
date: Thursday, October 15th, 2009 at 3:50 PM
Good
afternoon Monika :
And I would like it to remain
that way for you, and for me as well, and so, like so many, many, many times
throughout our relationship ?, friendship ?, acquaintanceship ?, I will remain
silent about most of the contents ( your comments ) in your last two emails .
I am completely astounded, as
well as amazed that you expressed the sentiments you have, especially when one
takes into account all that you have laid at my feet, slapped me in the face
with over the past year or so .
Please do not get me wrong
Monika, I mean no ill will towards you, with anything I write or have said. I
think you know that to be true.
I just wish you had contacted
me, throughout all the times you had questions, and with your lack of
understanding of my writings, instead of asking the opinions of others who
would not, could not, do not have a clue about the true me and you .
Anyway my Dear, it all, is no
longer relevant, when one considers where you have been and are at with your
feelings towards me, and this Monika, is why I am so perplexed by your Thanks
Giving card. and your statement, ( which breaks my heart and saddens my soul )
" I feel really bad and disappointed that our friendship is dying ".
My confusion rests upon the shoulders of all that you have said and done with
me, that is contrary to these thoughtful, considerate and beautiful acts of
kindness towards a man you show and speak only disdain, contempt and disrespect
for .
I am beside my self Monika,
with all I have to digest, with regard to your card and the above quoted
statement and am not sure how to take the rest of it - your negative comments
that is .
Anyway Monika, the last line
in your last email and the email card ( Thanks Giving ) you sent have touched
me deeply and it makes me wonder about my belief, - what you describe as "
our friendship is dying ' - that you killed off our friendship ?, long ago .
What ever the case may be
Monika,- dying or dead - I want you to know ( as I have written and said to you
many, many times before ) I will always be there / here for you .
So, you do take good care
LOVE Mr. Dying, Dead
subject: Confusion !
date: Monday, October 19th, 2009 at 4:03 PM
Monday
October 19th 2009
I am not so
sure that I should be doing this, or if it is the right thing to be doing,
under the circumstances, but I must do this anyway Monika. What it is that I am
about to do my Dear, I apologize to you for all the things I have done or wrote
that have brought feelings out in you, that I never what or wanted to be
responsible for . And so Monika, I must, and am apologizing to you for, ( 1 )
breaking my word to you - the word I gave in my ( what I thought would be my
last gmail to you ) - given in my September 15th 2009 gmail that stated, "
If what I suspect ?, is, know that this is my last communiqué to you ". I
am sorry Monika, for what appears to be, me going back on my word .
I hope that
you know Monika, that I would have kept my word - forever - had it not been for
your beautiful act of kindness, thoughtfulness - a riversong, Thanksgiving card
- you sent my way ( something I will always be thankful for ) In receiving this
beautiful, computer generated card from you Monika, and listening to the soft
sweet sounds that accompanied it, I was forced into action, contrary to being -
what I could never be to you in the first place - ignorant, inconsiderate,
thoughtless. Of coarse this would have been the scenario, should I have not
replied to your positive gesture, your beautiful act of acknowledgement at this
time of year, when we all should be thankful for what ever life, fate,
humanity, mankind, womankind has bestowed upon us, and I am sure that any act
of silence by me, in this matter would have been considered , in the light of
silences, as a negative act, of which the above mentioned states would have
been the case.
( 2 ) breaking my word to you once
again, - for which I am so very sorry Monika, - by my communicating my thoughts
and feelings to you in a gmail - especially knowing that you made it quite
clear that you wanted no communication ( by any means ) from me. And so now -
by doing so - it feels as though - once again - I have given reason, become the
excuse for your anger, being upset, in a state of frustration and negativity
towards me once again. I have come to this conclusion, this understanding
Monika, ( rightly or wrongly my Dear, ) by what I feel, what I have picked up
in the contents and tone of your October 14th 2009 emails ( 3:37 pm & 9:04
pm ). Know Monika, that I never wanted to, nor want to be the catalyst, the
excuse, the reason or responsible for any or all of the negative feelings you
have expressed to my face, and to others as well, about me, and what you think
of me, and yet here we are once again, as I sit upon the road of silence, where
no sound rings out, or will come to these eyes or my ears .
( 3 ) sending off the wrong card to
you. For this I am also very sorry Monika, for I know that you do not want,
from me, any kind of sentimentality, any kind of expressed feeling for you.
These things I know, you do not want to know, do not want to see, do not want
to hear and so my Dear, know that it was not intentional, - the card you
received - for I thought the card I picked out to send you, had the heading
" Thank You " and all I wanted to do was Thank You Monika, for
thinking of me, - once in a while - and especially on this occasion, when one
should be thinking of being thankful for life on this conscious plane. I have
to admit Monika, that I have no idea how I managed to send off the wrong card
to you, and I am sorry, but I have to admit that the card you did receive from
me was most appropriate in that it expressed my true state of mind, as far as
the thoughts I have of you are concerned. Maybe it was the beauty of the card
itself, or maybe it was a Freudian moment, a Freudian slip, that brought out,
into the light of day, by my subconscious this card, it being my subconscious
that sent off, to you, this card that was right for me to express, but wrong
for you to digest .
( 4 ) my hasty, thoughtless claim
" that you killed off our relationship ?, long ago . " for it seems
to me that, in your email statement ," I feel really bad and disappointed
that our friendship is dying " this could possibly mean that there could
still be hope for me, that your door isn't totally closed and locked. I have
deduced this from what you stated " is dying " , not the words, is
dead and so Monika, in all good conscience, I must revise my claim, my
feelings, my beliefs and my understandings, to that of, from the time we came
back from our little adventure in Ontario, Quebec, Massachusetts and back to
Ontario - a time that I feel there was true friendship between us, ( thirty
days of bliss and peacefulness, where there was unfettered giving and
acceptance, little rejection and negativity and much sharing ) that abruptly
came to an end on the parking lot of 2215 Prairie Ave. in the midnight hour
when it became very clear that the friendship I bathed in, cherished, thought
would continue to build, was an but an illusion. When you rejected my parting
gesture of gratitude and of the love I was feeling, and the friendship I had
hoped would be something more than just a desire unfulfilled, I knew you would
relegate me back to my former status ( that being, beneath mr. waiter, as you
resumed you relationship with him and that of mr. christian, and the other men
you carried on your relationships with and the new men you included in your
circle of acquaintances as September, October, November and December became
moments without any meaningful history - for me with you, that is. And so
Monika, I am sorry that I wrote " that you killed off our friendship ?,
long ago. " when I should have written, you killed off all hope, that
night in early September, and for all the nights that have followed.
Anyway my
Dear, I am truly sorry for all the transgressions, indiscretions, and as the
time passes, I can only assume that your silence, since October 14th, means
that you are once again upset, angry enough with me to once again close your
doors on me, shut me out. And so Monika, I will reiterate my statement from my
statement, from my September 15th gmail, " if what I suspect ?, is, know
that this is my last communiqué to you ", that is, unless you see things
differently .
As you walk
the paths of your life , upon this plane, Monica, Moneca, Monika, I do hope
that all the stones and all the stumbling blocks upon those paths, are cleared
away, so that the journey you are taking is as smooth and trouble free as worm
and care free as a spring breeze as you move towards the planes you would like
to end upon .
Chapter 167
In a letter to Gail - 3 Pages
In a letter to Gail - 3 Pages
October 25th 2009
I have to tell you Gail, that I have no idea how you got – ended up with the lion video, never mind three times. I ment to send it to Monika, but must assume that she never got it or would have had she received it.
To answer that question Gail, “ So are you communicating with her again ? ”, it seems so. I got an email, A River Song, Thanksgiving card from her, with, included message, “ I wish you a wonderful
LOVE
Dad
subject: Halloween / Monika
date: Friday, October 30th, 2009 at 2:03 PM
to: Moneca Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
Happy Halloween. To the most Beautiful Witch,
I have ever had the
pleasure of being frightened by or being scared of.
May you fly high above the graves, the ghouls, and goblins, of
Halloweens passed
Love, The Monster,
B.J."A"
2
from: bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
date: Saturday, October 31st, 2009 at 11:26 AM
Hello my Dear :
Tried to send this message off with a Pumpkin card but somehow managed to fail in my attempt. Sorry !
subject: Bill, your message has been read
by monecaray@shaw.ca
date: Saturday,
October 31st, 2009 at 6:53 PM
on the following date: 2009-10-31
18:31:45
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