Silences

Silences

Down the halls, walking among the walls

of silence, mine and Of, and wonder?,

should I speak in words of thunder,

shatter the empty spaces of either,

or quietly refrain and do neither,

display nothing of what lies behind

those empty spaces - by kind?

Winds so silent, scream, on their way

down the hallways of my brain,

tearing to shreds, what is left

of the curtains that hide emotions.

Hide from those seekers of the soul,

who might care to know

what it is that protects the weakened spirit.

A spirit that waits for a sound so soft,

so pure, so innocent, it enlightens,

lightens the beating heart so heavy

with sadness, creating depressions

that are but gigantic holes

in the life of what is left

of a living being.

An organism - reaching beyond,

beyond it's single celled existence,

beyond it;s sterile, four cornered room -

am I, reaching out, trying to be more then

the nucleus of a protozoan, I am becoming,

more then the vapours of Saint Elmo's fire,

reaching out for warmth, passion, compassion.

B. J. "A" 2

December 24th 2010

XIAO LING

My Fading Sun Shine

Clouds silently slipped in on the bright spot,

those last beautiful moments, with you , I got.

Now I sit in reflection, in gloom,

in my four cornered room.

It happened and your send off was in a shower of tear
drops, sentiments that represent all that I fear.
Fear that, with me, never again will you be near,
except that is, in all the memories I hold so dear.

B. J. "A" 2
December 14th 2010

A POEM IN NEED

A POEM IN NEED

ONE I AM UNABLE TO FILL

Xiao Ling, is a poem that needs to be written.

Xiao Ling, is a poem that I would love to write.

Her inner / outer beauty - with, I have become smitten.

She, for a short while, made me feel life was alright.

I have never been to China.

Think I touched Her Heart so finna?

Reached deep within, to touch Her Soul.

She, I never really got to know.

I am unable to fathom the dreams,

the desires of an other, it seems.

For they / she travels on different beams.

I know , I never touched the edges of Her Heart,

nor the fringes of Her sweet Soul

Her youthful Spirit I did enjoy,

as She allowed much for this old boy

to fill my twilight days with.

The illusion, of touching Her Heart, lingers on

even though, reality is !, She is long gone

in search of Her own dreams and desires

as this old fool faces death, of his burning fires.

What once was, will never come back.

My heart strings, I will have to let be slack

as I crawl among and through every moment

of every experience we shared, that meant

I was alive, living life in fulfillment

of a greater sacrament.

B. J. "A" 2

November 4th 2010

A Philosophy

Life lived, is but taking hold of all the fleeting moments,

it's reality offers, and making them ours for as long as they last.

When they have run their coarse, given all they posses, dissipate,

fade into the books of history, we must give thanks, be grateful,

cherish every nuance, every beam, every ray, every wave length,

- all that gave them life and life meaning. -

Remember, give for as long as it takes and then move on

regardless of the rain that surely will fall

regardless of the pain that surely will pall

B.J."A" 2

October 22nd 2010

R I P

In Loving Memory

HERE LIES

Love & Friendship

BORN 11, 2009 - DIED 11, 10, 2010

From A Long Period Of Indifference .

Ending I do believe ????

REALITIES ?

I feel like an image in a Salvador Dali, painting.

Dripping off the edges of a surrealistic reality.

The Dream, - She has left me behind - a nightmare.

My spirit in an altered state of reality.

Reality melting all around, within me.

My life's clock ticking away, running out of time.

I find myself among those wretched Souls,

Screaming Souls, huddled together in mass misery

Clawing, reaching up in a desperate attempt to escape

The hell fires of Dante's Inferno.

Hands of my clock, limp, impotent, melting.

Time runs off their tips like tear drops,

Into the dark depths of eternal Dreams.

Dreams, that have her own realities.

Reality has no Dream, for me.

B. J. "A" 2

October 10th 2010

CRACKS IN REALITY

I AM NO LONGER ABLE TO CATCH A GLIMPSE OF MY REFLECTIONS

IN THE CRACKED MIRRORS OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.

AS THE FISSURES WIDEN, PIECES OF ME SLIP INTO.

I FALL THROUGH THE CRACKS, INTO DIMENSIONS

LYING IN WAIT ON THE OTHER SIDE.

IN THEM, THERE WILL BE NO PLACE TO HIDE.

AND SO, WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW ?,

WHAT LIES IN THE SPACES BETWEEN THE OBVIOUS ?

THOSE THINGS NEVER SPOKEN OF

AS I TRY TO RISE ABOVE,

KNOWING, THERE IS NEVER TO BE LOVE

FOR THIS OLD MAN,

WHO PLAYED HIS HAND.

LOST, IN THE GAME,

LOVE HER NAME.

LOVE FOR HIM NEVER CAME.

B. J. 'A' 2

OCTOBER 5TH 2010

XIAO LING

CHINA LIGHT

Xiao Ling, did bring light into the shadows

of my days, days living in the shallows

of a love I could never get to know,

for the one I loved so, could never show

for more - once in a long while - then a moment, herself.

Fear - I do believe - created this emotional Elf,

who lives behind all the walls she has built,

hut on the waters of life, foundation on stilt,

high above the churning waters of life,

never wanting to experience the lands of strife

that sometimes, comes with being totally involved.

The issues - the soul, the spirit - never to be resolved,

knowing all the answers - that lie ahead -

only residing with all that is inside her head.

Xiao Ling, ( Natalie, my China Queen ) a natural Being,

with you, one was never capable of reaching, of seeing

beyond all the superficiality

that came at me from your perception of reality.

With you - never really - my Princess, I built many dreams.

During the past two years, plus, it all fell apart at the seams.

LOVE FROZEN IN TIME

Oh how I loved you so.

I could not find a way to let you go.

Time and circumstance,

lack of oxygen, the death for the flame of romance.

A burning Ember, without much of a chance

for me to get beyond our one and only dance.

The fires of my long held desires,

the flames of my suppressed passions -

after two years of untold expenditure of energy -

frozen in a time passed, the heart, the desire, the passion.

All have become encrusted by icy crystals

Lady Freeze, you have chosen to encapsulate my all, in.

I look out, from within, and wonder ?, what was my sin,

why ?, did she expect me to become like her,

cold as ice, hard as stone, living life on the superficial,

take and want, but never give, in deep and meaningful ways.

I look into my feelings and wonder if I can give to Xiao Ling ?,

anything more than the Princess, was willing to give to me.

Has all the pain, all the disappointments the Princess created

- from that palace - (an ice hut upon the north pole ?,

upon the the south pole ?, upon the solar winds of deep space ?, )

- become the essence of this old man ?

Will my heart, my passions, my love, my desires

ever be able to melt the icy shroud they inhabit ?,

can they find in - Xiao Ling, - the heat from a Son,

that will ignite the embers into a full raging fire ?

The question is - does Xiao Ling, even want to be

the fuel that burns away, sets me free ?

B. J. "A" 2

January 21st 2010

1 COMMENT

Brendan said...

I like reading your Poems. They are so raw,

the angst of love can break a man. sometimes

love is so strong it hurts more than any bodily pain.
FEBURARY 24th 2010 - 2:23 am

THE POLISH PRINCESS

A FIRST !

A FIRST !

BIRTHDAY

I saw the Ghost, of thirty seven years

let go of, set free, smiles, laughter, no tears.

I watched, as you glowed in the light of life,

letting go of, what caused you so much strife.

You gave into life, on this your thirty eighth Birthday.

For the first time in your life, you put the Ghost, away,

set Her, free so that you could be, let your spirit play

with your friends, family and me on this, your Birthday.

I can not help but think, your mother, is happy to know

that after all these years, the sadness, guilt you've let go

and realize that Her, sacrifice gave birth and life to you.

This is the ultimate sacrifice a Mother, can do

for the child She, LOVED with all Her, life.

Your heart, spirit, soul felt the cut from that knife

for thirty seven long and sad years.

Now - the thirty eighth - time to shed no more tears.

This She, did for you Xiao Ling, so you could live,

make Her, proud, watch you grow, see you give,

know that, in you, Her Spirit, Her Soul, lives on.

One day - thirty eighth Birthday - know She's not gone,

lingering on in your memory's hoard, inside your heart.

Your thirty eighth Birthday has given you a new start,

one, that throughout the years to come,

you - joy, happiness from

will light up the skies,

will fill your Mother's, eyes.

Nothing in this universe, ever dies!

In this, A truth lies.

B. J."A" 2

September 29th 2010

I SEE LIFE'S LIGHT AGAIN !

Last evening, the Light, again it shone.

The fog dissipated and was soon gone.

You - as Shadow, - became my Light, again.

You jumped started my heart, you released the pain.

I feel the best of life - is worth living without refrain.

I know, do believe, with you, I must restrain

from my passions, my desire for you - from overwhelming you.

I know that to be with you - difficult as it will be - this I must do.
You are my guiding Light.

As Sun, setting you are a beautiful sight.

B. J. "A" 2

September 21st 2010

Where has the light of life gone ?

LIFE'S LIGHT DIMS

_______________

Suddenly I begin to see you in light, as shodow.

Once, Full Moon, Twinkling Stars, in the depths of night,

Sun, radiantly, upon my life bestowing it's healing light.

Understanding - you be Will O The Wisp - in my sight,

yet, realizing my perceptions may not be right.

You, I have touched, felt, been deep inside, you I know.

You, a beautiful woman, these days eluding me.

Me, it seems, you want not, not want to see

as before, when all was new and set free.

A time when you could let it be.

Now, I feel as though I have become the light of shadow

fading into the dregs of darkness, of loss.

Why is it I can not find you ?, the you I knew,

thought I knew when all was bright and new.

B. J. "A" 2

September 21st 2010

Cloudy Days

Cloudy Days

Black clouds loom heavy above my head.

My heart, my soul, my spirit feels, as if dead,

buried under mountains and mountains of weight,

as this beautiful Lotus Blossom dictates my fate .

This is - to be in - such a dreadful state,

hour after hour, turning in the emptiness of my bed.

Feelings, I never again wanted to know, I hate

what China Doll, Oriental Beauty, to me has fed.

My heart aches, it weeps,

my mind, it never sleeps,

My spirit longs for your touch,

my soul craves to touch you, so much.

Has it all come to an end ?,

Do you no longer need me as friend ?

What is in store ?

Will you be no more ?

B. J. "A" 2

September 16th 2010

How I'd Like It To be !!!

Once again !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Images !

WHAT IS THE IMAGE ?

--------------------------

I have looked into the mirror of today's reality,

all I can see is an alone image with all it's frailty.

You have faded into my idea of yesterday,

the romances known, that would never stay.

I have come to the conclusion, come to know,

come to realize, all may come, but surely it will go.

All that remains are the beautiful memories

that lay upon the pages that tell the stories.

Being the Captain, on the bridge, at the helm
guiding this vessel of mine into a new realm.
Having been a careless driver at the wheel.
How much of this long, winding road is real ?

B. J. "A" 2

JULY 1st 2010

What is in a Name ! ?

What is in a Name ! ?

-----------------------

I have been walking the hallways of, and have to say,

" this has been one long and very Blue Monday. "

I think of the Beauty in your name Xiao Ling. -

( Xiao, meaning the dawning - dawn of a beautiful day )

( Ling meaning the exquisite - a lovely voice to sing ) -

of all that is beautiful, exotic and good.

This day, I seem unable to see - but if only I could

leave these blinding Blues behind.

If only I might be able to find

among - a little peace of mind !

If only my thoughts, my words, would bring forth

all the beauty in you - that comes with your name.

I feel the innocence in the dawn, the twilight of your days.

I love all I see, I feel in your funny little ways.

When I look into your soul, I see of coarse,

not one - like so many - who plays the game .

What lies hidden inside morning drops of dew,

refract into rainbows from the hiding place within you

and my Blues dissipate, true light comes into view

and my sad world becomes a place beautiful and new.

B. J. "A" 2
June 19th 2010

How one Lives with History ?

What haunts the Soul ?,

Kills the Spirit !

There is little benefit, no point in living in the past,

unfortunately the past lives / thrives within me and you.

About this, there is very little we can do

to change what it has made of us - that is not to say

we can not, nor do not repress, suppress some of - each day,

yet no matter how hard we try, we can never run away

from the self, that is, our self

that some times has made of us a pigmy elf,

that little person who sometimes is so little

it brings pain to the inside / outside world .

B. J. "A" 2

May 29th 2010

Rain Drops Fall !

I am so sorry I made you cry !

Sorry for bringing tears to your eye,

expressing how I felt disappointed,

how it was making me feel.

My thoughts of you became disjointed !

I believe an arrangement, whats planed

is one's bond, a binding deal.

A person's word should stand,

be the life's blood that makes them real.

What can I say ?, my Dear, it's how I feel .

B. J. "A" 2

May 29th 2010

One Week ?

Could be all there is?
Maybe a day, an hour, just a moment,
then what was, no longer is,
what could have been, never can be.
All becomes lost to the fears,
the uncertainties,
one harbours inside their head,
the mind of prejudices.

You know my China Doll ?, at this stage of life one only wants to fill their remaining days, on this plane, with all the pleasures - be they cerebral, emotional, physical, intellectual or all -that living this life has to offer, to experience them to the fullest the mind, the body is capable of - be they a kind heart, a giving soul, a free spirit, a warm, beautiful smile, a pretty face, a shared moment, a passionate kiss, the beauty of making love to a woman and what it brings to a decaying body and the twilight of ones mind - a beautiful ending to ones days, a glorious sun set to accompany one on their long, never ending journey as they change coarse within life's flow, put on a new coat of many colours - the rainbow of life or a suit of armour - the dark shadows that keep one from seeing the light, letting it take hold of them, permeate every fiber, every atom, every molecule of their being .
I see you as an inspiration and yet I feel that you tend to curtail it's progress as you keep much, I do believe, locked inside and yet let be touched, parts of all that make up the beauty I see, I have felt and do feel and do believe is the true beauty in you. You have taken this old man to heights that a man of age should not attempt to climb, but for you it seems, there is no mountain to high or ocean to deep to stop me from reaching up or reaching down to take hold of you and ride every wave life, with wild abandon, throws upon the shores beneath our feet .
I know that you try - with some restraint - to step out side of that which has been and is the force that keeps you closed, afraid to step beyond that which you feel comfortable with, in order to experience some things you seem to have an aversion to .
They say - whom ever they are - that life is to short and let me confirm that, it is !!!!!, and I realize Xiao Ling, that a lot of what I sing, write, say is far from what you want to hear or see from me, nor is it what you want to accept from me .

LOVE
BILL .

Know Xiao Ling,
no matter what
to the table you bring,
with open heart I will sing
a sad and happy song.

With me, I hope you come along,
not be so strong
in your restraint,
with your resolve
to never .

B. J. "A" 2

May 13th 2010

The Pangs for Moments Lost !

This beautiful afternoon , hope was to savour

every drop of your sweet, beautiful flavour.

Not to be, the hours became full of emptiness.

Disappointment, a sadness I must confess

is all that greeted the coming of evening,

no joy in the tunes song birds did sing.

The only remedy for the loss of a dance

was to walk along the river Pitt, by chance ?,

Mother Nature's silent beauty gave peace to the soul,

the mountains majestic, covered in snow these eyes came to know,

seeing, that for eons they stood and stand in quiet desperation

knowing the weight of a trillion, billion tons of snows saturation,

oceans and seas of rain changed their faces, osmosis and erosion

troubled / trouble them not as they stand tall in the face of all adversity

knowing in their silent hearts, life is harsh and moves with little felicity.

And I have to wonder ? what about you and me

and what is it?, in our lives, that we truly are able to see,

when Fate, Karma, the grand design, The Creator are in control.

What is it of our lives?, that we will ever truly know

before the light changes from shadow to a bright glow

and in it, to us, everything they will come to show.

B.J."A" 2

May 8th 2010

Pauline .

Pauline

------------

There once was this unbelievable Lady, of great source

who travelled this great Earth, as a matter of life's coarse

carrying within her, a heritage of great - wondrous force.

To the World, - then and now - she brought the word

onto two continents - many where fortunate and heard

and saw beauty and degradation - preformed - of this land

and the heroics and genocide of the first - the Red Man.

This Lady, of integrity, honesty, great soul, came to stand

for - what there is so little left of - from the hand of man

as we trample upon much of what once was noble, human

and of coarse, the source, the force that could make us so -

humane, especially at a time in this World's long history.

This was a beautiful Lady, who performed - wrote a story.

B.J."A" 2

February 1 2009

Where are you at .

Wondering Where You're At ?

I've looked into your absolute belief,
it offers me, absolutely no relief
from all that I believe is missing.

From you, all I'd love is passionate kissing.
You say no, and that it's all your choice.
Yet I wonder ?, if your culture is really the voice.

A touch, a feeling, kissing, making love I do believe
is for my benefit - and my perception, does it deceive ?

B.J."A" 2

March 31st 2010

The Heart

The Heart

You pulled on the strings of my heart.
Dragged me from out of the dark.
Laid me before the light of the moon.
Passion and desire, you caused me to swoon.

Xiao Ling, you do bring reason to live
yet I am not sure why ?, to me you give
and keep me at arms length ?

My resolve is losing strength.
I do not know, my Dear, where to go,
for what ever you hold inside, I do not know.

B..J."A" 2

February 28th 2010

Delusions .

Thoughts of, Deceive ?

Perceptions derive - from experiences one has had -
at times skewed by all that has made one sad -
come back to haunt the present, make one feel so bad
on this journey to something different, something new,
a journey out of the past, experiences unlike with you.
Experiences, - I have had many - with you, very few !

It is so very difficult to see through the silence,
through a world apart and all the defence.
I am in a quandary ?, precariously on a fence
not knowing which way to step ?, what is right ?,
and so all I seem to do is - carry on this inner fight
that takes me from then to when, losing all sight,
questioning the innocence, the beauty before me.

Will the past ?, always be the eyes through which I see.

B J "A" 2

January 8th 2010

2010

Years End !

A New Year's Beginning

As two thousand and nine reached out to it's end,

a beautiful Oriental Flower, - could she be my Friend ?

November and December gave wing, showed me promise.

New Years Eve gave birth to a New Year, the promise

of, seemed to give way to the promise of 's, demise

What did I see ?, What did I know ?, was I not wise ?

In the early hours of two thousand and ten,

did it become clear ?, the message she did send,

would it show ?, the promise of, would end in pain

and life would revert to what it was, once again.

This body of mine, my mind, my arms knew only air

as this beautiful Oriental Flower, this Lady fair

did leave me alone, into the darkness, my dreams to stare

at the future, into it's heart and all that it would never bring -

the joyous lyrics, the lively tunes never to sing.

I knew - in pain and disappointment - it might never be

yet, in the worlds of hope, desire, expectations I still want to see

their essence give birth to a future full of realized dreams,

dreams that - because of much - die a thousand deaths, it seems

in the mind of this indigent, disabled old man

who thought - at life, happiness and love - could try his hand,

just one more time before life ends in changes

that take us back and then - maybe ?, - ahead,

but for this moment, here I am, alone instead

pen in hand - words and fate - which arranges

what will fill and with what ?, all life's changes

as moments walk passed all the memories of the effulgence

my Oriental beauty radiated upon this tired old soul

as her - I thought, I believed, me she wanted to know.

Like Christmas day, where there lay no snow,

I am left with a feeling that there is something missing,

yet her beautiful lips, her soul I still want to be kissing.

And now I feel I have been kissing it all good bye.

B J "A" 2

January 1st 2010