Monika.
I am sorry but after a number
of hours - I do thank you for your thoughtful gesture ( the email Easter card )
- I have been unable to get beyond your " Bill ", " Happy Easter
Bill " and " Moneka " and I do believe that you would have sent
more than just that .
Finally the dancing chics and
rabbit in the basket have come to the surface as for the best adds I was only
able to see three and the one with the ass tattooed with a pocket on the cheek
well I tell you that it's your ass I'd love to kiss you know that beauty I
retire with every night / morning and rise to every morning
Well my Dear, at dawns early
light it is time for me to say goodnight and apologies for the delay in getting
this to you . I will not attempt to gmail an Easter card to you and Mat but I
do wish you both a Happy Easter.
At high
noon I hope I will be able to get this off to you.
PS Did I miss - by answering your question (
wrongly ? ) - an ( invisible ) invitation to dine with you this holiday weekend
?
You have a great Easter meal and social intercourse
x 2
date: Monday,
April 13th, 2009 at 12:16 PM
to: Moneca Rayner
Moneca :
You win I give in - and you
know that I never give up nor do I quit - and so Moneca, I will not bother you
any more, you have your wish, but before that becomes a part of both our
realities I'd like to leave you with a quote from a poem I created February
27th entitled " Pilgrims " and the stanza go like this ( " Life
for them is separate, apart and it seems neither / can find a place to come
together - be as one either / for the sake of love, friendship, or any kind of
relationship / where there might never be a hurtful, mean spirited quip / that
can disillusion, cause pain, bring one down - / and in the end distances - and
turns everything around. ) " this is what seems to be insight ? a
premonition ? precognitive ? what ever has lead to last night Moneca, believe me
or not I am truly sorry for I never - and the past two and three quarter years
has been a testament to that - ever wanted to express a harsh word or a mean
spirited word or a hurtful word to you and I am so sorry for doing so.
As for my asking you to forgive
me - you and I once having had a conversation about the subject and you agreed
with me ( as I recall ) that in forgiving some one for their transgressions it
has no effect on the perpetrator one way or another but in the act of
forgiveness one sets them self free from
the negative feelings they harbour within their heart and soul .
I am sorry Moneca, that you
could not see that that was my intention and the reason for my request.I just want you to know Monece, - as all has come to an end - no matter
what you say or believe or think or just say for the sake of saying it I am
your friend ( like it or not ) and I loved and love you ( in spite of yourself
) and I think that any reasonable person looking at all I have said ( written )
and done and tolerated ( accepted ) for the past three years less a day - by
the way Happy Anniversary even if it's not one you may care to acknowledge or
care to think about or even remember - would concur with me
Thank you for all the good
memories Moneca, and through all the passing years know in your heart that that
well be what I will think about, what I will remember every time you come to
mind or I see your beautiful face or see your lovely body as I lay my head on
the pillows of my bed or awake to dawns early light.
As my words come to an end
Moneca, know that I have and do wish nothing but the best for you and hope you
find - some where among that gaggle of wanting men you see and spend time with
- mister right, your knight ( I did so want to be he but I see it's not to be )
comes along and sweeps you off your feet.
Take good care Moneca, and
maybe some day in some way - maybe on the other side - you will see me in a
different ( True ) light and things will be different.
LOVE
BILL.
Chapter 165
In a letter to
Joyce, -20 Pages
April 22nd to
May 6th 2009
My dear Joyce :
You know Joyce, ?, that last
year – these very days – I was looking after Moneca’s, dogs and now, here I am
exactly one year later, looking after Linda’s, cats. Strange isn’t it ?,
especially, seeing as how Moneca’s, dogs and Linda’s cats have some very
peculiar traits .
As for my Life Joyce, Well
what can I say – it is still battles of
one kind or another. Battling with myself over letting go of The Princess,
which, by the way Joyce I have managed to do, to a major degree. I still want
to be with her – at least in my heart, which I have little control over – but
will no longer pursue her, and told her so “ You win !, I give in ” and so
Joyce, - in my head at least – there are no more tears or that choked up
feeling every time I think of her, leave her company, talk with or write to of
her and so my Dear, I do believe - that her essence, my desire for, - that she no longer has any control or
power over me. This has been one hell of a tough to have won for I love her so . I came to a
beautiful ( Neck Park ) park that
captivated my imagination and so a dozen photos did I take, to take the place
of the kinds of places and days that being with The Princess, would have burned
into my memory. Anyway Joyce, so much for the dream that has become as empty as
a bottle of champagne after the New Years celebrations have become nothing but
misty, foggy memories .
I never to get to sleep (
literally - not what many imply ) with a
female any more, yet here, just about every night I am, with this female cat.
Go figure ? I guess fate is giving me a little taste of what I had last
sampled, with Moneca, - sleeping with, sharing the same bed for a night or two
during our thirty day, cross Canada adventure .
Nothing from Moneca, not a
word, just an email forwarded on Saturday May second, similar theme as the last
one, and again, without any personal comment – “ Passage of time leaves out no
one !!! ”, “ Our imagination is a preview of life’s coming attractions / Albert
Einstein ” All these photos show the famous
( Passage of time ) in their prime and then in age and most are not a
bretty sight, especially Eastwood and Schwarzenegger. This email closes with “
Are you feeling better too ??? ”, “ Have a good week ”. All these words Joyce,
are from the email, not one word from the Princess, and so, once again, I am
left with - what the hell does all this mean ?, questions, questions, questions
of – is this her way to open the doors ?, is she being funny ?, being humorous
?, or is this just her way of throwing more digs at me ? I have to think that
the latter is closest to the truth, and this is because, after I replied with a
gmail, (( “ How true, “ Time leave out no one ”, “ and no one can escape the
ravishes of time’s passing my Dear, and I guess you sent me this as a friendly
reminder, – Thank You Very Much ! – that looking into the mirror every day and
trying to slip into my pants slaps me in the face with each and every hour, day
after day. We all can not be beautiful, Beautiful ! ” )) no reply, no response
– after five days – not so much as a word Joyce and so that is where I will let
it die !
Love
Bill .
date: Sunday,
April 26th, 2009 at 7:18 PM
PERSONALITY
The
game of avoidance is played so well
perfected
it so, it's very hard to tell
when
and if it's on, one does not know.
There
is nothing and no one able to show
what
comes from - lays deep within the soul.
Because
there is a refusal to believe
it
becomes impossible - one can not conceive
what
it is that becomes a part of the personality
that
will take a relationship, lead it to finality
and
never see, perceive what was laid down.
It
must be only one way - a set of ground
rules
by which one must comply
or
it's over the relationship must die
a
very slow death from the awareness
there
will never be a closeness.
What
does the broken heart do?,
inside,
bury the thoughts of you
so
the soul can keep on living
knowing
you will never be giving
in
an inch let alone a foot or two.
B.J."A"
2
April 26th
2009
Dreams
Would if I could, take my dreams of you -
for you - into a reality I could live
a life where I could find, that to me you
would freely, lovingly give.
Hope is the last bastion for
loves desire to carry on.
But in the end - my love - it is lost, it is
gone.
You where the inspiration for change yet
change inspired you not.
You where the fertilizer for the growth of
love yet it you never got.
The dance of passion swings on
the notes of loves song,
if it is to have true fulfillment then one
must belong
otherwise it's just a dance and passion is -
but less romance.
I've sent my love in rays of brilliant
light.
You have hidden away in the darkness of
night.
You have - it seems - walked away from
romance
and with me have only had one dance.
And now, for me there is not a chance.
B.J."A" 2
April 26th
2009
date: Thursday,
April 30th, 2009 at 11:19 PM
Precious Princess :
What a pleasant, unexpected,
surprise Moneca, even though it's but a friendly - I do believe - reminder of
what life predicts for a man in my state of being - as you perceive me to be
and you could be absolutely right anyway so much for being old - humor.
You know Moneca, this has been
a pleasantly strange time for me. ( 1 ) After not having heard from Gail, since
Christmas, ( 2 ) After not having heard from Mandy, in over five years and, ( 3 ) not having had any response or reply from you in weeks it's
just very strange that all of you would make contact - by email - with me, all
at the same time. Don't you find that just a little beyond coincidence ?
What is the strangest part
about this Moneca, is that I was going to gmail you to night - one last time -
just to let you know that all the walks I have taken in the rugged beauty of
Nanaimo's coast line, creations from the pallet of mother nature - and just a
few minutes from Linda's - and an other place of beauty - although not a
creation of mother nature ( it's from the hands of men ) that I think you would
have enjoyed,and taken pleasure in and throughout these little adventures all I
could think of was how the spirit of and my soul wanted to share these
beautiful moments with you. But alas that was not to be a part of my reality
Moneca, for you had different plans for a different reality .
I am sorry that my thoughts
may seem and may be expressed as though they are as jagged as the rough edges
of mother nature's tapestry - that I so wished you had joined me in viewing, in
partaking of - but they are not Moneca, they just express - as best I am
capable of - how I feel about things and I know that you'd prefer I not express
to you any of my feeling or beliefs but I no longer care to be a silent entity
or to have my inner being repressed or having to suppress who and what I am .
Anyway life may care to progress upon this
plane Moneca, is a ride I will take and take what ever it may offer and if it
offers nothing then nothing is what will be, I will live with it .
Thank You Moneca, for the
thought even if the thought was sent by you but not from you, if you know what
I mean
Linda, should be home to
morrow which means so should I and what ever fate and you have in store I will
have to wait and see, in the mean time you do take good care.
LOVE
Bill.
date: Thursday,
May 1st, 2009 at 12:21 AM
PS I am sorry Moneca, I forgot to tell you that I did foreward the
email you sent me to my friend in Texas - The Bear, - who may find more in
common with it's contents then I. He emails me that he will be back up here
june 2nd . I guess to stay this time .
LOVE
BILL.
My Dearest Moneca :
I received your phone message and I.
must thank you for the invitation. Most of all Moneca, I truly appreciate your
candor, for it must be very difficult for you to deal with your conflicted
feeling about me .
I hope to see you and give you
a small gift but I can't stay because I am waiting for a call from Gail,
although I will gladly come back to spend some quality time with you for your
Birthday should you wish me to do so.
I just got off the phone with
Gail, and want to take this opportunity Moneca, to apologize for my
inconsiderate expressions of my frustration over my attempt to do something
that I thought might be a nice thing to do for some one that I consider I am a
friend to .
Anyway Moneca, I am truly
sorry for my part in what must have surely been an upsetting way to bring your
Birthday into it's waning hours.
Please forgive me for my
thoughtlessness and may the rest of your day be a pleasant and fun one .
I know!, but .
LOVE
BILL.
date: Sunday,
May 10th, 2009 at 11:54 AM
You are like rollercoaster you
screw up and apologize and again.Communication with you is impossible, because
you can not control yours emotions.Your meaning LOVE is toxic.People who really
know what is mean real LOVE they don't over dose empty word they know how to
express themselves and show in their action and they know how to solve
misunderstanding.Is too sad that you don't know how to do this.I was very
patient with you and I wanted to talk and make clear all misunderstandings but
you didn't let me do this on last night. Right now I am glad what happen,
because I saw you in real Acton (the same attitude,aggressiveness when I wash
my car and I didn't do anything wrong to you, I had all the time in my mind
your angry face), many times I was asking myself what is wrong with me? finally
I know. Your toxic fake love ruin our friendship I was real friend to you with
pure healthy feeling but was probably to difficult for you to handle it.
Sorry for my poor English I
hope you understand what I mean.
You don't have to respond and I
don't want your apology.
Monika
My Dearest Moneca :
I am sorry for every thing and
to comply with your desire I will make this my last communiqué.
I am sorry for the negativity
that may have spoiled your Birthday Moneca ..
I only wish you the best of
things and the best of life for you Moneca, on your Birthday and on Mother's
Day .
Happy Mother's Day and for all the day to come, for the rest of your
life .
What ever that important thing
you where to tell me was, I thing
you have it spelled the end .
If you truly feel what you
have said and have portrayed in my presence then I think you have acted
appropriately and all I can do is accept my fate with sorrow, regret and the
feeling of loss of something that importunely I never really had - the dream .
You have a great life Moneca .
LOVE
Forever
Bill .
HAPPY
MOTHER"S
DAY
date: Friday,
May 15th, 2009 at 8:34 PM
THE
UNKNOWN
Unbeknownst
to you, you touched the deepest recesses of my heart .
You are the
oil that penetrated these old and rusted tight hinges -
making it
possible, to open, once again, the steely doors to my heart ,
For what has
seemed a life time, I thought - never again love to feel, love to experience,
love to
express or to let in the life and light of love's forces, love's energies .
All of this
happened in the blink of an eye - you cared not to see .
Blindness now
reigns supreme - lost is that beautiful dream .
Nothing but
harsh words, words of indifference - a spirit so mean
that comes at
me in forceful waves, permeating every scene
that you and
I - upon life's stage - play out our parts,
in costumes
life's experiences have fashioned for us
that we - on
our journey - have tailored in defense of our souls .
You where the
key my Dear, - not ever wanting to be for fear -
that opened
the lock, turned the clock, opened my heart for me
and a world -
lost for so long - I believed I'd never again see .
That now is
being destroyed, it's crumbling, soon to be all gone
and you
contend, believe it was all - I who made it go wrong,
caring not to
see, wanting not to hear the dirges that have become my song .
Now you want
me to let it go, now you no longer want me to carry on .
Oh how I
wanted to undress my heart, my spirit, my soul, all my dreams
lay them all
- naked, free, new born - before your eyes - nothing to hide .
This I did
for you, you did not see, you shot them down, you denied ,
told me I was
not your friend, told me I did not love you,
told me you
had only two friends, Christina, Randy.
This left me
no place to go - nothing more I can do.
Except
remember - I think you are as sweet as candy.
B.J."A" 2
May 15th 2009
date: Friday,
May 15th, 2009 at 9:45M
As I sit here composing this
gmail, I find myself in a quandary Moneca, but before I get into that place let
me tell you that I do understand your every word and - except for my perplexity
- their expressed meaning .
There is no need for you to apologize for the way you expressed
yourself ( at least for what you considered your " poor English " )
as for the rest, well that is a different matter, one you will have to live
with .
And now back to my quandary
Moneca, my perplexity, my dilemma with regards to your last email to me and
your statements ( 1 ) " you don't have to
respond " and ( 2 ) " and I don't
want your apology ". Now Moneca, your latter statement - no. ( 2 ) - is unmistakably clear and concise, no
possibility of a second interpretation ,but being the complicated woman I have
experienced and know you to be, I have to question your former statement - no. ( 1 ) - and ask myself - and you for that matter - if
"you don't have to respond " means ( 1 )
" you don't have to " but if you want to you can ( an invitation to
do so ? ) or ( 2 ) that - like no. ( 2 ) "and I don't want your " what ever -
you are telling me not to communicate with you by any means at any time for any
reason .
Anyway Moneca, I think you can
see the pickle I am in with regards to the above stated question and the
uncertainty as to what to do about it. I want to send this off to you but don't
know if I will for fear that I may upset you even more than you already are but
if I don't then I will never know. If I do and you don't answer then I guess
you will have answered my question. Do I want to know the answer ?, do I want
what little hope I possess burned to ashes by your answer ?
I do not know what the out
come of this will be but what ever it is - CHE SARA SARA - know that all I want
and ever wanted for you Moneca, is the best that life has to offer .
date: Sunday,
May 17th, 2009 at 12:18 AM
May 17th and I believe sending
this will be a mistake - just one of many you'd say - but what the heck, what
is there to lose ? for one can not lose, what one does not have and never
really had in the first place - all that makes for a good friendship / relationship - even if it was just an
acquaintanceship .
Anywhichway Moneca, I hope you
find what you have been looking for, and if not, what you need. In the mean
time you have a great day and a great life .
Always, With
LOVE
subject: from Monika
Drogi Bill
Tyle razy Ci mowilam
zebys do mnie nie pisal, Ty wogole nie respektujesz mojej prosby.Tylko Twoje
uczucia sa najwazniejsze.Mozemy przeciez porozmawiac osobiscie i wyjasnic sobie
nieporozumienia ale Ty uwazasz ze musi byc tak jak Ty chcesz.Wiec ja tez
postanowilam nie respektowac Ciebie i zrobilam to co uwazam za prawidlowe.
Przysylam serdeczne ucalowania
Monika
Dear Bill
So many times have I told you
wrote to me, you even do not respect my prosby.Tylko Your feelings arenajwazniejsze.
Mozemy surely talk in person and explain the misunderstanding but you you think
that it must be like you chcesz.Wiec I also decided not to respect you and I
did what I believed to be correct.
Sends heartfelt kiss
Monika
subject: A Sunday Journey
from: bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
date: Tuesday,
May 19th, 2009 at 10:43 AM
to: Bill Atfield
LIFE ON SUNDAY
A JOURNEY
Into
Mother Nature's, realm - this day - did I take a walk.
Alone along the river's edge -
the edge of thoughts - with no one to talk.
Listen did I to the melodious
music of Mother Nature's, sound
permeating the air, reverberating
in my brain. it was all around.
There,
in the air, her sweet breath I had found
filling my nasal passages with delight
as I walked upon her ground.
Her
sweet breath filling my olfactory senses to the brim -
for some moments, my life's cup
seemed filled to the rim -
giving life to the silent music
of Mother Nature's, dance
bringing thoughts of two -
instead of one - onto the path of romance.
Life's
Sunday journey into Mother Nature, was by chance
as a detour was taken on the way
to Maple Ridge.
Before these eyes was the BUILDING
of a bridge,
not one but two and my thoughts
where of bridges BURNING.
The
loss of what my heart had long been yearning.
All my thoughts Moneca, where of
you
as I journeyed - nothing else
could I do
but think of the good, then the
burning of bridges not building them.
During my photographing and
hiking this day, thoughts of you did stem,
thoughts of, the burning of
bridges bringing to the for
a realization, that standing
among the ashes, you have closed the door.
This
is what I believe and I believe it's for ever more.
B.J."A"
2
MAY 19th 2009
date: Thursday,
May 21st, 2009 at 3:33 AM
Hi ! A
Loving admirer .
Moneca has been notified of your Singing
Birthday Card.
subject: Door opening ?
Dear Bill :
I have ask you many times in the past not to write to me: You do not
respect my wishes. only Your own feelings matter. We could talk to each other
face to face and explain our differences ( misunderstandings ), but no, You pay
attention to what You want to do and every thing must be done Your own way. So
I also decided not to respect You and I did, what it, in my opinion is most
suitable for me
I send you sincere kisses.
Monika .
subject: Re
My
Dearest Monika :
Know Monika, that no
disrespect is intended here, but until things change and are made clear, I feel
that I have little choice but to gmail you my acknowledgement of your email
from Monday May 18th 2009 that I received and have finally been able to
decipher - to translate into English so that I might better understand where
you are coming from and where you are at .
I do hope Monika that this
translation - " Dear Bill, / I have asked You many times in the past not
to write to me; You do not respect my wishes. Only Your own feelings matter. We
could talk to each other face to face and explain our differences (
misunderstandings ), but no You pay attention to what You want to do and
everything must be done Your own way. So I also decided not to respect You and
did what it in my opinion is most suitable for me. / I send You sincere kisses
. " is a true representation of the thoughts and feeling as you expressed
- in your native tongue ( for what ever reason ) - in your email to me .
I do understand You and
everything you have stated in your email ( if translated correctly ) Monika,
even though I have to admit that I am confused by it all and I have to tell you
that I certainly disagree with your interpretation of event, feelings and who
you claim me to be .
I have never disrespected you
Moneca, and you know that I would never disrespect you Monika !
I know that you know how I
have always felt about you and how I feel about you Monika, and I also know
that you don't care nor want to be faced with it, but you know - no matter how
hard you have tried - there is very little either of us can do about it.
I have had to live - for these
past three years - with what it does me and you have had to live - when and if
you have thought about me - with it's existence .
As for us meeting face to face
Monika, well I have to tell you that I have as yet received an email, a letter
or card or a phone call requesting or suggesting that we do so and as I
painfully recall, the last time we came face to face - the day before your
birthday - it did not end so amicably, as you gave me that salute and that
look, turned your back to me and walked off leaving me standing there with my
mouth hanging open in disbelief - not only because of your actions but also
because of all the negative things you laid on me about your perception of me -
fact or fiction - instead of a show of gratitude for my effort at expressing
and showing you that I still care - regardless of the way thing were - and my
acknowledgement of your birthday with a hug and best wishes for your day and as
for respecting your wishes Monika, I did not embarrass you by giving you the
birthday kiss I so wanted to right there on the parking lot in front of every
one .All I could do is stand there in my broken heart and watch you fade away
into memory on more time .
I do want to thank you Monika,
for the " Dear Bill, " and the " I send You sincere kisses
" of which I'd love nothing better than to feel just one of them even,
pressed forever upon my lips.
LOVE
Bill .
Mój *Dearest* *Monika* : Poznają *Monika*, co (żeby; który) żadnego *disrespect*
jest przeznaczany tutaj, ale przed (dopóki) rzeczy zmiana (zmieniać; zmienny) i
są wyrabiane wyraźny, czuję co JA ma mały (niewielka ilość; trochę) wybór (doborowy)
ale *gmail* was moje potwierdzenie waszej poczty elektronowej od Poniedziałku
Może (maj; majowy) 18-y 2009 co (żeby; który) otrzymuję i w ostatecznym rozrachunku
był zdolny odszyfrowywać - tłumaczyć na Angielski (język angielski) tak (więc)
co (żeby; który) JA lepiej mógłby rozumieć gdzie wy wychodzicie z założenia i
gdzie wy jesteście przy. JA robi mają nadzieję *Monika* co (żeby; który) to tłumaczenie - " *Dear* Rachunek (ustawa), / JA zapytał Was
wielokrotnie w przeszły (przeszłość) nie pisać ja; Wy robicie żadnej stosowności
(wzgląd) moje życzenia. Tylko Wasze własne odczuwani& sprawa (mieć
znaczenie). My moglibyśmy rozmawiać sobie twarz twarz (wobec) i objaśniają nasze różnice ( nieporozumienia
), ale żadnych Was zwracacie uwagę na co Wy potrzebujecie (chcieć) żeby robić i
wszystek musi jest zrobił Waszą własną drogę (środek). Tak (więc) JA także nie
szanować Was i zrobił co to moim zdaniem jest najwięcej (najbardziej)
odpowiedni dla mnie. / posyłam Wam szczere pocałunki. " jest prawdziwe
przedstawienie myśli I odczuwający jak (ponieważ) wy wyrażaliście - w waszym
tubylec (krajowy) *tongue* ( dla jaki (co) kiedyś rozważają ) - w waszej poczcie
elektronowej ja. JA robi rozumieją Was i wszystkie wy w waszej poczcie
elektronowej ( jeżeli przetłumaczył prawidłowo ) *Monika*, nawet chociaż JA
musi przyjmować co jestem pomieszany (wprawiony w zakłopotanie) przez to całe i
JA musi mówić wam co (żeby; który) JA oczywiście nie zgadzają się z waszą
interpretacją wydarzenia (wypadek), odczuwani& i kto (który) wy wymagacie
(twierdzić) mnie jest. JA mam nigdy *disrespected* wy *Moneca*, i wy poznajecie
co JA byłby nigdy *disrespect* wy *Monika* poznaję co wy poznajecie jak zawsze
odczułem o was i jak czuję o was *Monika*, i JA także poznają co wy nie
troszczycie się ani brak (potrzeba; potrzebować; chcieć) być zwracany do z tym,
ale wy poznajecie - żadnej sprawy jak twardy (trudny; intensywnie) wy ma
spróbowany (wypróbowany) - tam jest bardzo mały (niewielka ilość; trochę) albo
(każdy) USA może robić o tym. JA żyją (mieszkać) - dla tych (te) przeszłych
trzech lat - z czym to robi ja i wy mieliście żyją (mieszkać) - kiedy i jeżeli
wy pomyśleliście (obmyślił) o mnie - z tym jest istnienie. Co do my (USA;
amerykański) spotykający (spotkanie; wykonujący) twarz (stawać wobec; wobec) twarz (wobec) *Monika*, dobrze JA musi mówić wam co (żeby; który) na razie otrzymałam
pocztę elektronową, list (litera) albo karta albo dzwonek telefonu proszący
albo proponujący (proponowanie) co (żeby; który) my robi tak (więc) i jak (ponieważ)
JA boleśnie odwoływać (przypominać sobie; odwołanie), zeszłego razu przybywamy
twarz twarz (wobec) - dzień przed waszym dniem urodzenia - to nie kończyło tak
(więc) po przyjacielsku, jak (ponieważ) wy dawaliście mnie co (żeby; który) salut
i co (żeby; który) spojrzenie (patrzyć; wyglądać), zmieniał (obrócił) wasz
plecy (tylny; do tyłu) ja i poszedł (chodził) od odjazdu mnie stojący (stanie;
położenie; stały; osiągający; osiąganie; rzymający się; tryzmanie się) tam z moim *mouth* wiszący (wieszający; powieszenie;
nachylenie) otwierać (otwarty; skłonny) w *disbelief* - nie tylko z powodu
waszych czynów ale także z powodu całego negatywne rzeczy wy położyliście na
mnie o waszym postrzeganiu mnie - fakt albo *fiction* - zamiast pokazu
(widowisko) wdzięczności dla mojego wysiłku przy wyrażeniu i pokazujący wy co
(żeby; który) JA wciąż troska (uwaga) - niezależnie drogi (środek) rzeczy były
- i moje potwierdzenie waszego dnia urodzenia z uściskiem i lepszymi życzeniami
dla waszego dnia i co do szanowania waszych życzeń *Monika*, nie w zakłopotanie
was przez udzielenie was pocałunek dnia urodzenia JA tak (więc) potrzebował (chciał; potrzebny) w tym samym miejscu na miejscu dla
parkowania samochodów przed każdy jed.Całe JA robić jest pozycja (podpórka) tam
w mój złamany (naruszony) serce (serdeczny) i obserwują was zmieniacie się
daleko do pamięci (wspomnienie) na większa ilość (bardziej; więcej) czas (obliczać).
JA robi brak (potrzeba; potrzebować; chcieć) dziękować *Monika*, dla "
*Dear* Rachunek (ustawa), " i " posyłam Wam szczere pocałunki "
którego mam miłość ni lepszy (lepiej) niż czuć po prostu (dopiero co) jed z
& (oni) nawet, nacisnął (naciśnięty) na zawsze na moim *lips*.
KOCHAJĄ RACHUNEK
(USTAWA; OGŁASZAĆ)
subject: ILLUSIONS
date: Friday,
May 22nd, 2009 at 6:51 PM
Illusions
Images of the grand Illusion,
have haunted many an hour.
I have come to the conclusion,
a Rose, may not be a beautiful flower.
The Illusion,/ Rose, they fill the void
left to me - by the way -
you have left me -
on the out side of your dream,
the out side of mine as well.
This story - in many ways - I often tell
and in the end, what may seem
an effort in futility to be
the price I will have to pay.
In this life there is no way to avoid
what design, fate, the Lady, fair -
beautiful and with blond hair -
leave for this one.
A world come undone.
A world of delusions ?,
of illusions ?
Conclusions ?
?????????????????
B.J."A" 2
May 22nd, 2009
subject: Re
Good job Bill, we have totally
different opinion and we see the same situation in completely deferent way.You
think that you understand me very well I think something opposite this mean
that is waste of our time to exchange e-mails.You like typing very much I
don't, you like writing letters and describing with details your emotion(
melting all over again the same words) I don't like reading.Too bad that you
don't remember our last conversation when you call me a liar and you were very
unpleasant and I had to hang up.You have very selective memory, you remember
what you want to remember.Anyway I don't want to play ping-pong with you If you
have any concrete suggestions or solutions give me a call and we can to talk
face to face.If not , leave me alone and don't send me any e-mails. I
understand after 3 years your existence in dream word you became too sensitive
and you receive my reaction as putting you down.
Take care
Monika
subject: Re
Monika, my dear ;
What I was trying -
unsuccessfully I might add - to do Monica, Moneca, Monika, was to once again
reach in, try to shed some light into those dark places that spew out all this
negativity - be it your skewed perceptions, your negative projections, your
dark glasses that shield you form seeing a truth, your mirrored images
reflected in, projected upon ( ME ), and others .- you throw
at me with such arrogant impunity.
You know Monika, I find it so
very hard to believe that a woman with your social back ground, your level of
education, your degree of intelligence, your storehouse of knowledge can be so
blinded by her own self worth, that all she can see, is all about herself and
all about what she wants or all about what she dose not want, or does not want
to see - as is obvious in just about all that you have written ( this you can
not deny which is why you do not want to write or be written to, for once it is
out there for all to see, you can not hide behind the lawyering articulations
you try to baffle brains with in order to deflect, to deny, to hide, to be in
control of, to be always right ) and in most of your conversations ( diatribes
/ tirades ) you do this as well which is why you do not want written thoughts,
feelings, experiences, for there is no chance to manipulate, to control, to
twist, to deny - its all there before your eye and like it or not Monika, you
have to look and have to see,and this - at all costs - you do not want to be.
I know Monika, that - in your
eyes, your estimation and in reality as well - I am nothing more than an
indigent, uneducated, disabled, unintelligent, Senior citizen who wants to give
to you ( love, understanding, companionship, friendship ) what you do not want
from me and what you have proven in action and word will never give to me and
so Monika, just what is there for this man ?, who wants to give and is given
nothing back ( reciprocal ) except negativity, rejection, rejection of my
feeling, my actions, rejection of a means of communication that avoids the
results that came to be because of your verbal assault on my effort to make
your birthday a pleasant one and show you that I care and think about you .
Reality check Monika, all I
got from you for my efforts - Friday afternoon, Saturday afternoon - to make
your birthday a pleasant one was your negativity ,as stated in my last gmail to
you, and the verbal abuse you laid on me after I had left the gifts I gave to
you on your door step instead of giving them to you in person because your car
was not in it's usual spot in the underground parking lot as I walked by it on
my - for your benefit ( less conspicuous ) way to your place .
Reality check again Monika,
all I got from you for my two days of efforts to make your birthday a special
day for you was verbal abuse, first words out of your mouth - forget Friday -
after receiving my gifts was " I was playing games " and responding
with " you are the only game
player in this relationship, I DO NOT PLY GAMES, that is your
modus operandi, your forte, and that is not calling you a liar Monika,
as you allege in your email .
There is no where to go
Monika, you do not want to read what I write - emails, letters or their subject
matter, for that matter - you do not want to hear what I have to say - you hang
up or you change the subject and even worse you have told me, on more then one
occasion, to shut up - and so Monika, what is left besides to listen ?, ( as I
have always done ) to your stories, your feelings, your beliefs, your opinions,
your diatribes, your tirades etc,
I just do not know Monika, for
me to do as you have suggested - " If you have any concrete suggestions or
solutions " - which have permeated every poem, every letter, every card
and every verbal expression ( to no avail ) that I have tried to bring to your
consciousness - for as time has proven, my opinions, my attempts to enlighten
have fallen on deaf ears and have been set before blind eyes.
All I want and ever wanted
Monika, was to find some happiness in what is left of this old life of mine, to
give what I can to another human being, to love and be loved in return, to
share in the joys and pleasures that life and love and a lover can bring to a
relationship, to be treated with respect and consideration and be appreciated
for who and what I am and what I give and to have what I give and have given to
be appreciated an that appreciation be out in the open not hidden behind the
mask of indifference .
I am going to send this off to
you Monika, like it or not, and I am doing so to save a repeat of the sad
scenario, the heart wrenching acts - from both of us - that took place on your
birthday. I never wanted to be nor do I want to be the source for your pain or
your heart ache Monika, but as last Saturday has shown I no longer will sit
back and take your but downs, your belittlement's, your judgments, your harsh
criticisms or your indifference to my efforts at trying to express myself by
what ever means - be it verbal, written, gmail or physical expressions of
affection. If none of this is acceptable Monika, and you can not find what you
have ask for among all of the above '' If you have any concrete suggestions or
solutions " then I guess " If not leave me alone " will be the
direction - one I have been taking for some time now .
All I ever asked of you
Monika, was to treat me, give to me, be with me as you have been and are with
all the men you have been seeing for the past three years - to give me the same
respect, the same consideration, the same affection. We know that I would like
it to be a lot less superficial, more from the heart. I know that you have not
that to give and so have been willing to accept what little you have to give
but am no longer willing to accept anything less than you so freely give to
others, even strangers.
Monika, being the smart,
bright woman you are I am sure that you will find among all the above the
" concrete suggestions " and " solutions " to our
difficulties. If not then I guess where we are at this very moment is where we
will be at forever more .
Well my Dear, what ever the
out come I do hope that you will be civil to me should our paths cross from
time to time. Regardless
know that you can always count on me being your friend even if you care not for
me to fill that position .
You have a great life Monika, and
do take good care .
LOVE
BILL .
subject:On One's Passing
date: Sunday, July 26th, 2009 at 1:07 PM
Monika
This card and these flowers are not the arms
I wanted to hold you with, to comfort you with,
to support you with during these troubling times.
I do hope, though, that you will accept them in place
of all that I wanted to give to you from my heart and soul.
I do hope that, in them, you can see that they convey
my deepest sympathies for your loss and the issues that followed.
I also hope that, in them, you may find some sense of solace,
that may help you get through and past all that has been,
and is, and will be before you.
LOVE
Bill .
subject Distances .
Dearest Monika :
This being the third morning in a row that you have
filled my dream catcher Monika, I thought it time to gmail you. The first dream
had me in conversation with a professional - dentist / doctor - who was
married, loved his wife, loved having you as his mistress, and was torn apart
because he did not want to lose you but would not give up his wife in order to
keep you. The conversation began by him telling me all about the things you two
did in your intrigue, in graphic detail and then he was asking for my advice as
we walked along the streets of some city. My advice was that you can not have
your cake and eat it for very long and if you truly love your wife then you
have to let go of your mistress, and if you loved your mistress at all, you
would do right by her - set her free, let her be or give her your all. I awoke
. The other two dreams I have little recall of. So was the first dream a
prophetic one ?, and the last two just dreams. Only you know .
As I
promised, here's the gmai,l I asked, if you'd mind me sending .
As is
obvious, I have arrived here in Ontario,
safely, and I have been kept quite busy with family suppers - two in the last
two days - ,visiting with friends and relatives. In fact I am getting ready to
visit with Tommy, ( Mary, - my Polish aunt's son ) and his family, Willy, an
old friend of mine ( he and Ron, bought my business here in Brantford, forty years ago ), and then off to
visit with Joyce, after that it's to Duane's, for supper
So much for
me Monika, how are you ? I hope all is well and that you had a great time with
your usual Wednesday get together ?, meeting ?, tryst ?, date ? I am truly
sorry Monika, that you could not find it in your heart to forgo that which you
often, as of late, do Wednesday evenings and spend my last night in town, with
me. I will leave it at that, for I think it all was said, and I have heard it
loud and clear. Anyway my Dear, there is no point in my telling you how I feel
for I am sure there are better things that can bring laughter to you .
Anyway
Monika, you know, and on that note I must go, so you do take good care and I
hope, that of me, sometimes you will be aware .
LOVE
Bill .
subject:
On One's Passing
date: Thursday, August 27 th, 2009 at 2:0 PM
to:
Moneca Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
My Dear Monika :
I am sorry
for not adding to the message on the card I delivered to you - just to wrapped
up in the thoughts of where you must be at and forgot. Anyway my Dear, although
I am sure that you already know this, know that my door is always open for you,
that my shoulder will always be there for you to lean on and my ears will
always be open and receptive to anything you wish to talk of, that may be
troubling you or not, or any other need you may have .
I know that
you need me not and that you have mr. christian, mr white head, Christina, the
two Polish men you mentioned - names I do not recall - and many others that can
and do provide you with all and more then what I am offering you Monika, but
know that I will always be there / here for you .
Thank you for the kind words you left on my answering
machine .
I wish that
there was more I could do for you, to help and see you through .
It was good to see and be with you once again, even
if for a brief moment in time .
You do take
good care Monika .
LOVE
Bill
.
subject:
The End ?
from: bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
date: Friday,
September 11th, 2009 at 3:21 PM
to:
Moneca Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
Dear Monika :
I am
really SORRY MONECA, that you have the feelings towards me that you expressed
this afternoon. I know that by my typing the following beliefs, as I heard and
felt them, that you will say to any one, as well as to me, should you ever
communicate with me again, that " my assumptions are incorrect " and
that they come from my " sick mind " .
I just want to be clear about what transpired today
Moneca, so please respond with your truth about what went down. No response
will tell me that, what is to follow is, as I in my "sick mind " has
perceived, as the meaning of your actions and your words .
I do
believe Moneca, that you were - with your hostile, critical, verbal put downs,
as well as the way you departed, ( almost running me down ) - telling me that,
as far as you are concerned, you do not want any further involvement or
communication with me . " Goodnight and goodbye " was your way of
saying, I have forgotten or want to forget all the wonderful times that we
shared, I do not want to acknowledge all that you have done with me or for me,
you are a history that I do not want to look upon with any kind of positiveness,
or fondness of thought, or of feelings. I do believe Monika, that as far as you
are concerned, I no longer exist as a viable entity in your world, a human
being, a friend that you want to be there for you, or to be there at all .
Well
Monika, no matter what, " sick mind and all " I will always cherish
that which you gave, that which you shared, that which you allowed me to give
to you and for those few brief moments when you let me into the inter sanctum
of your being. Memories and experiences to carry me past all that you have laid
before me my Dear, will help me through and past all that I now - as I have for
a long time - believe is your burning of that fragile bridge that once laid
between us, brought us together from time to time, the closing of your doors on
me, the last chapter of our story. THE END .
CAN IT BE ?
PS What
ever the out come Monika, ? I would like to think that you will still allow me
the first right of refusal on the last painting you showed me, that of a shadow
of a man, a ghostly image hovering over the body of a beautiful woman, as they
lay in the darkness of what appears to be a romantic interlude?, the act of
love ?, or is just the act of sexuality ?
LOVE
Bill .
subject: The End ?
from: Moneca Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
date: Tuesday,
September 15th, 2009 at 10:52 AM
to:
bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
Yes, The End
subject: The End ?
from: Moneca Rayner monecaray@shaw.ca
date: Tuesday,
September 15th, 2009 at 10:52 AM
to:
bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
Well my Dear
Monika :
It seems as
though the writing is on the wall Monika, - the writing, Monika, I believe, has
been before these eyes ever since we touched down on the tarmac of Vancouver's
airport, after that beautiful month we spent together exploring the lay of the
lands of Ontario, Quebec, Massachusetts, and back to Brantford, as well as
their history and cultures - and you are making it very clear to me my Dear.
I do hope
you will forgive me Monika, - not for my sake, but for your benefit - for
taking this method of communicating to you my thoughts, so that I might be able
to express what I feel I must, and I know from past and present experiences
that this is the only way I can convey to you what I think and feel without you
shutting me down or hanging up on me .
I have been
the way I have been Monika, because I was not ready to quit or believe or
accept - what you have made me painfully aware of for the past two plus years -
that you felt I was not a man, a person, a friend worthy of your respect, your
consideration, your affections, your love - even if that love, respect,
consideration was nothing more than expressions for a fellow human being, a
friend.
Unfortunately for me, my Dear, during these
past months you have made it crystal clear as to how you feel about me, what
you think of me, - " it wasn't important enough for me to change my plans
in order to join you for a couple of hours, to have supper with you on your
last evening in B.C., before you left for Ontario. ", " I didn't
answer your gmail from Brantford because of something you wrote in it ",
and of coarse there was the very clear message you sent me after telling me of
your fathers passing - the physical rejection of what you did not want me to do
before the thought of, could be given birth from the womb of my subconscious
and turned into a reality - that message being " I do not want you to put
your arms around me, I do not want you to take me in your arms and comfort me
in my hours of pain ", the pain you where suffering because of your
fathers passing on and the pain inflicted by your brother because you chose not
to go to Poland to attend your fathers funeral. And the message just keep on
coming, clearer with every act played out before me, such as the lack of
invitations - there was no invitation to accompany you to the blue berry farm
or to COSCO, no invitation to call you some time nor was a reference made that
you might call me , no mention that we might talk some time or meet up for a
walk. This same scenario existed when you left me a message on my answering
machine, thanking me for my gift of flowers and card. Thank you, but not a word
to say I will call you later, no word to say call me when you get this message,
not a word to suggest that we might talk later, and so my Dear, even this
stupid fool, this unintelligent senior, can see that your messages are quite
clear .
I have to
wonder Monika,?, just what is it that drives you to hate me so much, that all
you have given to me - ever since we landed back here and onto the lives we now
live ( that has escalated in frequency and intensity, to the point of my
annihilation, my extinction, the termination of my being ) - is your hostility,
your negativity, your indifference, your disrespect and inconsiderateness. Is
it me ?, I know that you'd say so - and maybe rightly so - or is it something
else that is coming out from with in those deep, dark places inside of you,
those places that you seem to draw all this animosity for me, and shower me
with .
I see your beautiful face in every
drop of my tears.
I see your lovely face in every
place, throughout our years.
I see your exquisite face haunt the
very fiber of my fears.
I see your face upon the walls of my
time.
I see your face every day, knowing
you'd never be mine.
I see your face, it hurts me so, yet
I want what is sublime.
I see your beautiful face slowly
want to fade.
I see your lovely face and believe,
superficially made.
I see your exquisite face empty and
staid.
My heart beats to the incessant
pounding of tear drops,
upon this tired old face, expressing
the pain of loss,
the loss of what I never really had
in the first place,
it all comes to the surface and is
read all over my face.
Why ?, was I so receptive, so
willing to sacrifice
my heart, my soul, my spirit, put
them in the vice-
grip- of love, let it squeeze out
every drop of life,
chop them up into tiny pieces with
the Butcher's knife.
B.J."A"
September 6th 2009
I wonder why
?, it is that when you ask a question of me, you are not willing to listen, or
want to listen to the answers I might be able to provide, and this was no more
obvious, then when I was trying to answer your questions last Friday and your
responses to my efforts, was to put - not once but twice - your hand to my
mouth, preventing me form speaking, shutting me up and effectively shutting me
down. I also wonder why it is ?, that when you say to me that you do not
understand what I say / have written / typed - the meaning of - you would go to
some one else who knows absolutely nothing and certainly nothing about me or
the circumstances behind what I have tried to get across - the explanation of -
and again, instead of gaining some insight, some understanding, some
enlightenment, you once again shut me up, shut me down in the middle of or the
beginning of my attempt to explain, by hanging up on me and again effectively
closing the doors to understanding and on any further communication. I get it,
I've gotten the message Monika, and so will remain a ghost in the back ground
until we may meet by chance and you will speak to me or you have a change of
heart and make contact, something I believe you will never do or make happen.
Do you treat me the way you do Monika, ?,
because you hate me so, - maybe to strong - maybe it's because I mean
absolutely nothing to you, as your response to my question, " why do you
bother with me " seems to indicate, - " I don't bother with you
" and is solidified by the facts that have come before me this past year,
except for one Saturday evening - for a couple of hours - that we spent at
Rocky Point Park .
Oh Monika,
my sweet and lovely Monika :
Monika, my
Dear, where has Moneca gone ?, and why does Monika, carry so much animosity in
her heart ?, in her head ?, in her life for me. Where is the Moneca ?, I so
believed in, the Moneca, I so wanted to believe lived behind those beautiful
Autumn Green Eyes that I so longed to look deeply into during the long hours of
night, look into in the brightness of day, look into, that often hid behind sun
glasses or diverted from being looked directly into. Where is the Moneca, these
eyes of mine, these hands of mine, this heart of mine so longed to see, to
touch, to feel, to know so intimately beating next to mine, beating in unison
as we walked through dream land, down the pathways of life and those of mother
nature. Adventures, explorations, experiences .
Why is it
that Moneca, used to and Monika, now does ?, find it necessary to always be
telling me who she thinks I am, as a person, as a man, as a human being, as a
friend and telling me what I think, what I feel, what I don't think, what I
don't feel, what I should do and what not to do, etc., etc., but never in a
constructive or positive way. Now I realize and acknowledge that every one has
an opinion and are entitled to their opinions, but opinions are like A Holes,
every one has one, but those opinions do not make the man that they are
projected upon nor do they reflect the true image of that man, they are just
opinions in the head of the creator and nothing more. It would be a sad society
if we lived up to the life, an others opinion has created . This man is not the
reality - based upon your point of view, your perspective, your perception,
your projections, your beliefs - you have convinced your self he is.
You have
asked questions - one would hope in order to gain insight, understanding,
wisdom - but never listen or want to hear the answer, for you already believe
you know it all, and this one has to wonder ?, if it is only I with whom you
play this deadly game or do you do this to others ? I believe not, for you have
told me that I am the only man you treat the way you treat me. What does that
say ?, about how you feel about me, for me. Repeating myself Monika, why did
Moneca, and why does Monika, shut me down, shut me up, turn her back on me,
avoid me, ignore me, hang up on me, turn things around or change the subject on
me as I try to answer her questions or provide an explanation.
Why ?, did
Moneca, and Monika, bury the Monica, I never had the good fortune to meet,
never had the pleasure to know, you know, the Monica you told me of, told me
about, that was supposed to have existed at one time, the Monica that was kind
,considerate, good hearted, thoughtful, lovable and loving, the Monica, that
was passionate, affectionate, spontaneous and all the other desirable, good
qualities a human being should harbour within the very essence of their hearts
and souls and be the very fabric and fiber of their relationships with their
fellow man.
Why ?, is it
Monika, that you and Moneca, never really wanted to see all the love, did not
want to believe that love existed, did not want to accept all the love that lay
at the heart of every word, spoken, every word written, every word typed, in
every act performed and in every reaction to your positivity and negativity.
Why ?, is it that Moneca, and Monika, can not see, or do not want to see that
it is love and it was love that made all that was unacceptable, tolerable and
made all that was intolerable, acceptable, and with hardly ever a word spoken
to you of these things - except that is ( but never in anger or in harsh words
) in written prose and poetry, for that has been and is the only way I have
been able to get across and get out all that you never allow me to say when we
have been face to face or on the phone, as this past Friday's performance can
readily attest to and has made very clear.
It was and
it is love and respect for you Moneca, and Monika, that has kept, and keeps me
from firing back at you in kind, although in my attempt to defend myself from
time to time, I am sure you felt that I was treating you as you treat me, but
know this Monika, that no matter what came out of my mouth, it was never meant
to be mean spirited, negative or angry words speaking for my heart, just words
to defend against the negative, hostile, angry feelings you put to words and
fired at me. Know Monika, that all the pain I felt as you shot me full of
negative bullets, fired at me with all your anger, your hostility and your
desire to inflict as much pain and damage as possible, I never once thought of
giving up on you or stop loving you, no matter how many times you shot me in
the back or in the face. Know Monika, that it was and is love that kept life's
blood flowing through the veins of this unusual and strange relationship we
have indulged in. A relationship Monika, I believe you have killed off and
buried so deep that it has reached into the distant past, and that past has now
become the present. It took five years before the past could fade enough to
allow the present a new life, a life that has lasted for only two and a half
years before reverting back to the hatred, the animosity that fueled the first
five years. This is what I believe to be Monika, I hope I am wrong, only you
and time will tell whether the present will be fueled by the past and all that
anger and hate you once held for me will now be, once again the dominant source
of energy brought into the future. Will it take another five years ?, Monika,
before you can see that I am not the man you had created way back when, and am
not the man you have now created, a man you say " does not mean what he
says and does not say what he means " . A man whom you believe must be a
liar.
You have
said to me on more than one occasion Monika, that I never loved you, I don't
love you, you say that I don't respect you and never respected you and yet you
know that, that is simply not true, not the case, for you have seen, you have
felt, you have experienced, many times - should you care to admit - ( ninety
nine percent of the time ) just the opposite. You know Monika, from all the
times we have spent together during two and a half years of the past three plus
years, that I have held myself back, held myself in check, kept myself from
doing all the things a man in love with a woman would do every minute of every
day they where in each others company. I know that I slipped Monika, from time
to time, but you - in all honesty - know that for the most part I acted upon
your desire for me to be as aloof as you and never touched or forced myself
upon you, always holding back my feelings, my desires, my love for you in
respect of yours, and that Monika, is the sign of love for another - giving up
yourself for the self of your love. All this I did Monika, in respect for where
you where and are at, and for what you feel and don't feel about me and for me.
I have repressed and suppressed so much of what I wanted to share with you,
give to you, would have loved to have gotten from you and you know all this yet
you have the audacity - when you know better - to say to me, and whom ever
else, that I don't love you, that I don't respect you, am not your friend and
all the other negative ideas, feelings you can throw at me.
Anyway
Moneca, the Moneca, I so wanted to know, the Moneca, I thought I knew, and
Monica, that I would have loved to have known, ( if that Monica ever really
existed ) and Monika, the Monika, that now eludes me, the Monika that now is in
control. Know all of you that I have to admit that it was a privilege and a
pleasure to have had the opportunity to be a part of one of you and to have
touched that one of you, a time or two.
I am truly
saddened, truly sorry Monika, that you , once again, have come to a place, to a
state of being where you find it necessary to have some excuse in order to tell
me, to show me, just what it is that you truly ?, think of me, feel for me,
feel about me, and that saddens me deeply Monika, to know that you do not care,
and I know that I have to accept that which I can not change - you and your
mind - even though I never and would never entertain the thought, - just
thought I might be able to help you open up, let it all out - and how foolish
of me !
I
have always felt that you, never could care.
I
hoped, but you never ever pretended to care.
It
is now so clear, you will never be there.
That's
my life, that's you, that's fate, so unfair.
I am sorry
that you never wanted to hear, never wanted to listen to, never wanted to feel
the rhythms in the songs of love that I sang to you, that came from out of my
heart, never wanted to read it, never wanted to see it, never felt it ( LOVE )
in the lyrics I wrote into the life of so many of my letters, so many of my
poems to you.
The end of me is in your hands Monika, in
your world, and it - my end - may not be so bad as it now seems to me at this
very minute, for I do have some moments to remember - and they where great -
that can carry me through, carry me past the end, moments that allowed me the
opportunity to touch the Dream, - YOU - and that Monika, will keep Moneca,
alive in my memory's hoard , and this Monika, I will always be most grateful
for .
There are
these great, and heavy chains that seem to bind my heart to the thoughts of
you, they're dragging me down.
The ride I took was as good as it could be, but the
links that bind my mind to the thoughts of you are not very sound.
I can now see - with eyes wide open, not blinded by
my love for you - that with you I will not see , love found.
My heart, my soul, my every moment in that beautiful
dream, my life, my thoughts, you fill all, you surround.
I Know Monika,
that I built my dream upon shaky ground, upon the bed of a one way street going
no where, a dead end street, yet I had no control of where my heart lead me and
so I followed .
I gave to you freely, my hand with no
strings, I gave to you my heart, so that you might pluck it's strings and hear
the tunes it played , I gave to you my love, to comfort and shelter you, I gave
to you my time, to do with as pleased you, I gave to you my all as one would
give to his lover, his girlfriend, I gave to you my all, as a friend would give
in friendship, but none of it seemed as if it was good enough for you,
satisfied you, met with your approval .
There seems
little I can give to you now except my absence, and after this gmail, my
silence .
LOVE
BILL .
I just received your email Monika, "
YES, THE END. " and so there is just one thing that I need to know ?,
should our paths cross, do I step aside and walk on by without saying a word ?,
without acknowledging your presence, should I see you some were, do I avoid
coming up to you to say hello and ask you how you are ?
All else is
clear my Dear, so please do me the courtesy of answering this last question of
you and if what I suspect is, know that this is my last communiqué to you .
Thank you for the memories, MONECA .
subject: A RiverSongs Card Just For You!
Chapter 166
In a letter to
Joyce, - 3 Pages
October 12th 2009
My Dear Joyce :
as for the Princess, she has closed the gates, lifted the draw bridge
and has been gone for the past two weeks. I think she has gone to California with mr.
white head, her latest paramour. I realize that, that may seem a little harsh,
but when one considers the number of men she is seeing, it seems that paramour
is most fitting, most appropriate .
I will include my latest
attempt at poetry along with two letters I gmailed to the Princess, who said
that she did not understand what I was saying and that she showed them to
someone else – probably mr. white head ( Robert White ) who she said “ his name
is David ” – who concurred with her and so Joyce I would like your honest analysis
of these two gmail letters to Monika.
( 1 )
Has what I wrote been nasty, mean spirited, cruel in it’s contents
( 2 )
Is what I have written unclear ?, all over the place ?, Vague ?
( 3 ) Is the structure of my letters /
poems so bad, so far off the mark ?, that it makes it impossible to understand
what I presented her with and to have someone else agree with her descriptions
of my letters ?
Anyway Joyce, what ever, I am
out of Monika’s life and her sight, all that can hope for is that I can get her
out of mine and my head as easily - I know !!!, - as I have come to accept,
that she is out of my life, or at least , I am out of her life – and the moat
just keeps on getting deeper and deeper, wider and wider, so much wider now,
that if she where – for any reason – to let the draw bridge down, it would not
be able to reach the opposite bank, for the shore has been eroded – been cut
away – to the point that one could never reach the door !!!
LOVE
Bll .
subject: B.J."A" 2, your message
has been read by monecaray@shaw.ca
date: Tuseday, October 13th, 2009 at 3:23 PM
Dear B.J."A" 2 Thankful,
on the following date: 2009-10-13 14:59:18
subject: came back
date: Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 at 1:31 PM
Hi I just came back from nice vacation.
Monika
subject: Re: came back
date: Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 at 1:46 PM
My Dear
Monika :
Thank you
for the insight. I am glad that you had a " nice vacation " Monika,
and hope that your holiday ( Thanks Giving ) was nice, as well.
It sounds
like, seems like things have come together for you, every thing is working out,
and you have found your place in the sun, which makes me be happy for you .
You do take good care, and enjoy what has come your
way.
LOVE
Bill .
subject: Re: came back
date: Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 at 3:37 PM
Hi Dear Bill
What you mean " nice vacation" this sound which you heard
doesn't vibrant in way what you mean.I found my place in the sun a long time
ago.But I am glad that you are happy.I enjoy almost every day in my life.
Take care
Monika
subject: Re: came back
date: Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 at 5:06 PM
What I meant Monika, was what
I said " I am glad that you had a " nice vacation ", that
statement was based on your email statement, that I just gmailed you back.
I am having a hard time
understanding why you do not comprehend my intention, my meaning, it seems so
clear and simple, straight forward.
I am sorry Monika, but I do
not think I will be able to answer your question to your satisfaction .
Must go, so do take good care .
LOVE BILL
subject: Re: came back
date: Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 at 9:04 PM
I am glad that finally you accepted fact having hard time to
understanding what I mean and my reactions on your actions.I told you a long
time ago about luck of understanding and communications but you didn't want to
accept this fact, or you didn't know how to communicate or maybe both or maybe
this is a big gap between you and me and is impossible to found solution to
solve the riddle.I feel really bad and disappointed that our friendship is
dying.
subject: Re: came back
date: Thursday, October 15th, 2009 at 3:50 PM
Good
afternoon Monika :
And I would like it to remain
that way for you, and for me as well, and so, like so many, many, many times
throughout our relationship ?, friendship ?, acquaintanceship ?, I will remain
silent about most of the contents ( your comments ) in your last two emails .
I am completely astounded, as
well as amazed that you expressed the sentiments you have, especially when one
takes into account all that you have laid at my feet, slapped me in the face
with over the past year or so .
Please do not get me wrong
Monika, I mean no ill will towards you, with anything I write or have said. I
think you know that to be true.
I just wish you had contacted
me, throughout all the times you had questions, and with your lack of
understanding of my writings, instead of asking the opinions of others who
would not, could not, do not have a clue about the true me and you .
Anyway my Dear, it all, is no
longer relevant, when one considers where you have been and are at with your
feelings towards me, and this Monika, is why I am so perplexed by your Thanks
Giving card. and your statement, ( which breaks my heart and saddens my soul )
" I feel really bad and disappointed that our friendship is dying ".
My confusion rests upon the shoulders of all that you have said and done with
me, that is contrary to these thoughtful, considerate and beautiful acts of
kindness towards a man you show and speak only disdain, contempt and disrespect
for .
I am beside my self Monika,
with all I have to digest, with regard to your card and the above quoted
statement and am not sure how to take the rest of it - your negative comments
that is .
Anyway Monika, the last line
in your last email and the email card ( Thanks Giving ) you sent have touched
me deeply and it makes me wonder about my belief, - what you describe as "
our friendship is dying ' - that you killed off our friendship ?, long ago .
What ever the case may be
Monika,- dying or dead - I want you to know ( as I have written and said to you
many, many times before ) I will always be there / here for you .
So, you do take good care
LOVE Mr. Dying, Dead
subject: Confusion !
date: Monday, October 19th, 2009 at 4:03 PM
Monday
October 19th 2009
Dear Monika :
I am not so
sure that I should be doing this, or if it is the right thing to be doing,
under the circumstances, but I must do this anyway Monika. What it is that I am
about to do my Dear, I apologize to you for all the things I have done or wrote
that have brought feelings out in you, that I never what or wanted to be
responsible for . And so Monika, I must, and am apologizing to you for, ( 1 )
breaking my word to you - the word I gave in my ( what I thought would be my
last gmail to you ) - given in my September 15th 2009 gmail that stated, "
If what I suspect ?, is, know that this is my last communiqué to you ". I
am sorry Monika, for what appears to be, me going back on my word .
I hope that
you know Monika, that I would have kept my word - forever - had it not been for
your beautiful act of kindness, thoughtfulness - a riversong, Thanksgiving card
- you sent my way ( something I will always be thankful for ) In receiving this
beautiful, computer generated card from you Monika, and listening to the soft
sweet sounds that accompanied it, I was forced into action, contrary to being -
what I could never be to you in the first place - ignorant, inconsiderate,
thoughtless. Of coarse this would have been the scenario, should I have not
replied to your positive gesture, your beautiful act of acknowledgement at this
time of year, when we all should be thankful for what ever life, fate,
humanity, mankind, womankind has bestowed upon us, and I am sure that any act
of silence by me, in this matter would have been considered , in the light of
silences, as a negative act, of which the above mentioned states would have
been the case.
( 2 ) breaking my word to you once
again, - for which I am so very sorry Monika, - by my communicating my thoughts
and feelings to you in a gmail - especially knowing that you made it quite
clear that you wanted no communication ( by any means ) from me. And so now -
by doing so - it feels as though - once again - I have given reason, become the
excuse for your anger, being upset, in a state of frustration and negativity
towards me once again. I have come to this conclusion, this understanding
Monika, ( rightly or wrongly my Dear, ) by what I feel, what I have picked up
in the contents and tone of your October 14th 2009 emails ( 3:37 pm & 9:04
pm ). Know Monika, that I never wanted to, nor want to be the catalyst, the
excuse, the reason or responsible for any or all of the negative feelings you
have expressed to my face, and to others as well, about me, and what you think
of me, and yet here we are once again, as I sit upon the road of silence, where
no sound rings out, or will come to these eyes or my ears .
( 3 ) sending off the wrong card to
you. For this I am also very sorry Monika, for I know that you do not want,
from me, any kind of sentimentality, any kind of expressed feeling for you.
These things I know, you do not want to know, do not want to see, do not want
to hear and so my Dear, know that it was not intentional, - the card you
received - for I thought the card I picked out to send you, had the heading
" Thank You " and all I wanted to do was Thank You Monika, for
thinking of me, - once in a while - and especially on this occasion, when one
should be thinking of being thankful for life on this conscious plane. I have
to admit Monika, that I have no idea how I managed to send off the wrong card
to you, and I am sorry, but I have to admit that the card you did receive from
me was most appropriate in that it expressed my true state of mind, as far as
the thoughts I have of you are concerned. Maybe it was the beauty of the card
itself, or maybe it was a Freudian moment, a Freudian slip, that brought out,
into the light of day, by my subconscious this card, it being my subconscious
that sent off, to you, this card that was right for me to express, but wrong
for you to digest .
( 4 ) my hasty, thoughtless claim
" that you killed off our relationship ?, long ago . " for it seems
to me that, in your email statement ," I feel really bad and disappointed
that our friendship is dying " this could possibly mean that there could
still be hope for me, that your door isn't totally closed and locked. I have
deduced this from what you stated " is dying " , not the words, is
dead and so Monika, in all good conscience, I must revise my claim, my
feelings, my beliefs and my understandings, to that of, from the time we came
back from our little adventure in Ontario, Quebec, Massachusetts and back to
Ontario - a time that I feel there was true friendship between us, ( thirty
days of bliss and peacefulness, where there was unfettered giving and
acceptance, little rejection and negativity and much sharing ) that abruptly
came to an end on the parking lot of 2215 Prairie Ave. in the midnight hour
when it became very clear that the friendship I bathed in, cherished, thought
would continue to build, was an but an illusion. When you rejected my parting
gesture of gratitude and of the love I was feeling, and the friendship I had
hoped would be something more than just a desire unfulfilled, I knew you would
relegate me back to my former status ( that being, beneath mr. waiter, as you
resumed you relationship with him and that of mr. christian, and the other men
you carried on your relationships with and the new men you included in your
circle of acquaintances as September, October, November and December became
moments without any meaningful history - for me with you, that is. And so
Monika, I am sorry that I wrote " that you killed off our friendship ?,
long ago. " when I should have written, you killed off all hope, that
night in early September, and for all the nights that have followed.
Anyway my
Dear, I am truly sorry for all the transgressions, indiscretions, and as the
time passes, I can only assume that your silence, since October 14th, means
that you are once again upset, angry enough with me to once again close your
doors on me, shut me out. And so Monika, I will reiterate my statement from my
statement, from my September 15th gmail, " if what I suspect ?, is, know
that this is my last communiqué to you ", that is, unless you see things
differently .
As you walk
the paths of your life , upon this plane, Monica, Moneca, Monika, I do hope
that all the stones and all the stumbling blocks upon those paths, are cleared
away, so that the journey you are taking is as smooth and trouble free as worm
and care free as a spring breeze as you move towards the planes you would like
to end upon .
LOVE
Bill .
Chapter 167
In a letter
to Gail - 3 Pages
October 25th 2009
To answer your first question Gail, - re the
Monika, issue –September 11th, titled “ The End ? ” and September 15th,
titled “ An end to ?, I believe. ” says it all.
I have to tell you Gail, that I have no idea
how you got – ended up with the lion video, never mind three times. I ment to
send it to Monika, but must assume that she never got it or would have had she received
it.
To answer that question Gail, “ So are you
communicating with her again ? ”, it seems so. I got an email, A River Song,
Thanksgiving card from her, with, included message, “ I wish you a wonderful Holiday - Moneca ”. Of coarse I could not accept and let
it go by, I had to respond in kind – a card, a message and a gmail – and the
next thing I know, a phone call. Anyway my Dear, I will no longer bore you with
further details of the Princess and the Frog, if interested ?, you can go to my
blog .
LOVE
Dad
subject: Halloween / Monika
date: Friday, October 30th, 2009 at 2:03 PM
Happy Halloween. To the most Beautiful Witch,
I have ever had the
pleasure of being frightened by or being scared of.
May you fly high above the graves, the ghouls, and goblins, of
Halloweens passed
Love, The Monster,
B.J."A"
2
subject: Fwd: Halloween / Monikafrom:
from: bja2mgmenter@gmail.com
date: Saturday, October 31st, 2009 at 11:26 AM
Hello my Dear :
Tried to send this message off with a
Pumpkin card but somehow managed to fail in my attempt. Sorry !
subject: Bill, your message has been read
by monecaray@shaw.ca
date: Saturday,
October 31st, 2009 at 6:53 PM
Dear Bill
Atfield,
monecaray@shaw.ca
read the message you sent and visited the following page:
on the following date: 2009-10-31
18:31:45
