Reflections

The child in me looks out to see.
Where is the man in you ?, where can he be ?

As the man I am, looks to find, where is the child
in you?, that entity that once ran wild.

Looking, yet never, hardly ever do we see
that which we should have come to be.

B. J. “A” 2
November 6^th 2001

A day of pouring out

The above was the insanity, of the chaos in my mind.
It came on the heels of depression and a troubling time.
Then came the spirit of catharsis, shows up in my rhyme.

Into the dark ages, my soul had crept,
for a few short years, my spirit wept,
the Grim Reaper, my heart had met,

my rhymes, my words had set,
a coarse to release, from the gloom
that weighed heavy, in the confines of my room.

The dark years have slipped past, have gone on by,
leaving no reason for me, to lie down, and cry.

B. J. “A” 2
September20th 2013

Memories And Melaine .
My youngest  Daughter

Taking a stroll, this day, through the pages of time.
Time that has passed into history, a history that is yours and mine.
That history, my Dear, are the memories, and the thoughts of a time
when a little of you, your life, your excitement was mine
to live in, to delight in, to give to, to participate in,
in that great adventure of a developing little Girl.
A little Girl, who needed so much more in her world,
much more than this poor excuse for a dad, gave.
Sadness to the grave, will I be, for all that I let slip by,
slip out of sight, never touched by the hands of this old man.
So much that never became a gleam in my eye.

Now, what never was, will never be !,
lost forever !, never to feel, never to see !
As I sit here, empty and alone, with me
and my memories, speaking in fleeting whispers,
in words, in word pictures that project
the history of my family, as I tried to protect,
with my life, as I see it before me, in ten thousand
three hundred photo stories that lay upon two thousand,
seven hundred pages of words and pictures that explain,
project, enlighten and give life to the thoughts and pain,
of those memories, those experiences, these photos,
 to anyone who will, one day, get to see, in painful sight,
that compares not, to the pain felt, as you took flight,
a flight that is never to soar from this little soul, this beautiful Being,
this Girl Child of mine who’s name sings out in Melanie,
to tunes that I my never hear the sweet sounds of her melody.
Melanie, bound up, unable to be set free of the chains
that weigh her down, keep her from turning around, claims
her fragile soul, keeps it in a place, on a plane where her wings
are unable to spread, to soar, carry her spirit above experience and sings.

The songs I would love to hear before I go,
These sights I would love to see, a world to know
is that my Daughter’s wings spread to show
that my analysis, my understandings will flow
out of my thoughts and to believe that one day, it will be so !

In the meantime   
   You slip in and out of my sight
like a wisp of wind, caught by the light,
 like smoke waves, particles of dust floating by,
 like ghosts in the sky brushing past the corner of my eye,
lightly touching my lips with a Daughterly, kiss
– oh, how this, I will surly will miss –
 then off again like a whirlwind, to escape,
- my heart, my soul, my spirit, this doth rape –
 to the life of a teenage Girl, blown by the wind
 – for this Mr. Mom, it seems a sin –
 to the four corners of this world, life’s experience,
and I wonder what will be your dance ?,
and if you will ever know the essence of true romance ?
My expectations !, expeditions and adventures into
 your thoughts, desires, dreams and in a direction you
 may guide yourself into a future I am unable to see,
nor one in which you will confide in me.

I am truly sorry Melanie, that any of what might be
good in me, I did not give, to make live within you
all that is within you, that sometimes I do
not see in my state of blindness.
This, to you I must confess !!!
These things, my Dear, I look for, hope will be,
- but cannot seem to see – may never set you free.

These, the thoughts of  You, even if the sight
is brief, the numbers few and far between
– in your hasty retreat, flight
 from any close encounter –
brings a warm glow of light
to the long, empty days I’ve seen
and helps makes my life a little sounder,
bringing to an otherwise gloomy life, rife
with so much unnecessary, pointless strife,
thoughts and feelings that carry me through my days
and long, long nights of wonder, what will be your ways ?

Shine on my Beauty !!!
Love Dad

B. J. “A ” 2
 November 6^th 2001`

Mandy
My middle Daughter

As I see it, as I have felt it, as I understand it !
Mandy, is, and certainly has been a closed casket,
a closed book, carrying with her to the grave’
all that is buried deep within her soul,
all the secrets her heart holds,
all the thoughts kept within her minds hoard,
all the feelings encased within her young being.

Except, that is, on rare occasions when a worm,
or two, bores holes into the darkness of her,
below her earth shell, allowing a beam of light,
from within, to reach up and touch the outside world,
enlighten the inquiring minds of, those of us
who would like to know and know the truth.
 

Then again, maybe it is me, just me who lives in a grave,
kept in the darkness, kept from seeing the light,
kept from knowing the truth,
the whole story or the story at all.
Could it be me who keeps it all away from myself ?

B. J. “A ” 2
 November 6^th 2001

Solitaire / Solitude

Solitude will be my recognition, my fame !
Solitude is my time to claim !
Solitary is my adopted name !
Solitaire is the name of my game,
to play away these hours of mine
until there is nothing left of my time
on this plane or of this rhyme.

B. J. “A ” 2
October 19^th 2001

July thirty first
Two thousand and one

An end has come, to times filled with the recordings of sounds
from a glorious, ancient past.
Time has come to empty the mind of what hounds,
time to indulge in a lengthy  fast.

Time before now

There is beauty, where there is light,
but, it has become obvious !, that night
is not a place of beauty, peace or rest
for a man, who, out of his life, has made a mess
of troubles, troubled thoughts and deep reflections.

And like me , they get lost in the quagmire,
and at the cost of my soul on fire,
burning with flames of pain, in depressions
grip, without the ability to solve, that which is,
trouble, which my lot in life is.

B. J. “A ” 2
July 31st 2001

Another Time before now
My heart cries out, with each lonely tear drop
I realizing that, of my life, I have made a flop
and in the process, lost little pieces of mu soul,
forever washed away, evaporating into thin air.
What a heart wrenching thing for one to know,  
to believe about his life, to believe it is not fair,
that all they were – those tiny pieces that formally
 fit together and made up the whole – a family
that was my soul, never again for me to know,
for tear drops nourish not, nor will they make grow.
Only lubricate the path, the way of letting go.

B. J. “A ” 2
July 31st 2001

Still another time

There is this killing chill, filling the air
that leaves me in a deep state of despair
as my young, fair haired Daughter,
seems to have forgotten all I had taught her
as she makes a prisoner of my heart and soul,
with her vengeance, caging my spirit in a gaol
of her spite, as the might of her hatred encases,
dictates the course of my life, as it races
towards thoughts of her young son,
my beautiful, second Grandson,
who, like her, is lost to my touch, my embraces
due to the bars she has erected, the distance she places.
Me, my life, they have become the walls she builds
that grow ever thicker, wider, more distant, higher,
an impenetrable wall of searing, blinding fire. 

B. J. “A ” 2

July 31st 2001

And still another

I do not know where it is ?, that I might be
if it were not for my dark haired, lovely, Melanie.
I do not know what it is, that my mind would see ?,
in this life if it was not for my youngest,
thoughtful Daughter, who deserved the best,
deserves much, much better from me.
For now, it seems, she just wants to be free !

B. J. “A ” 2 

July 31st 2001

And yet another

The sleepless dreaming of humankind,
is to leave the waking nightmare behind,
 reach deep down inside, to touch and find,
 all the stuff of its soul. Its heart, its mind
 so that in the end mankind will stand high and shine.

B. J. “A ” 2
July 31st 2001

Gail

My girl child,  a beautiful woman so far away
fills my eyes, fills my thoughts every day.

Her life I left behind, let slip away so long ago.
How she feels ?, who she is ?, so little do I know.

My love for her I try, I hope I do show ?
Does she see?, can she feel it grow and grow ?,

as the years left behind, lost, stow
away, enlighten me one day to all I have missed.

B. J. “A” 2
July 31^st 2001

As the son stands

Casting shadows upon this land,
I know not where I stand,
where I might fit in, or who I am.

There is no one to lend a hand
as the cold winds wipe me from the sand.
Not a trace !, find not, I can ?

Do I fly with the sun ?,
from the shadows do I run ?,
or is it ?, with them I walk

passing over others, never to talk.
Or do I stand ?, with the land
as the sun passes over head

The shadows, a blanket for my bed.
Laying there, sleeping is my soul
and in that state of reverie, never to know ?

B. J. “A” 2
 July 31^st 2001

 

Skies and Eyes

The skies have opened up, they keep on falling.

Upon the retina of the mind’s eye, is the calling

back to memory, times, times one keeps recalling.

How did it all come down to this ?,

wondering why ?, so much of life’s journey, one did miss.

Those moments, long gone, sent off with a soulful kiss.

Strolling upon jagged shorelines, of many forgotten seas,

traversing the depths of thought, thought about life’s mysteries,

that in the end, dew drops dissipating into mists of life’s histories.

Back to that state of cosmic consciousness,

far from all that human kind has made a mess,

of which I am one, this I must confess.

 

A journey back to Mother Earth and into the Universe,

many find so hard, so words from this bard, in verse

that should take me, maybe you ?, into life, immerse.

B. J. “A ” 2

September 15^th 2013

With all the Love, Hope and Dreams
I have for You Both !!! Love Dad .

My pretty, little, sweat, delicate Butterflies,
spread your newborn wings, fly high into the skies,
far from the screaming threats, sarcasms and hostility,
and into peaceful dreams, in the lands of tranquility
where, in your impressionable, wise,  mind’s eye,
you may come to know not, fear that is in your nightly cry.

To turn ?, I do not know where,
as it seems, all I do is worry and sigh
living in this futile, old world of darkness and despair,
where, all I think about is your futures and cry.

I truly hope that you never come to know, in depth, what it is to be sad,
only come to know happiness in life, to live your lives and be glade,
is the hopes, dreams and desires of your troubled dad,
who’s day dreams and nightmares are far to sad
for my two little Butterflies, who’s lives I fear may turn out bad.

My heart ache weeps like Niagara Falls, bleeds profusely for you two,
and without courage ?, this is all I seem to do.  
I will try, my Angels, to give you my very best
and pray that all else will be laid to rest.


As you get older and your knowledge continues to grow,
I hope that you will understand and get to know
why it is, that this was all your mother and me could show,
of our parenting skills riding the winds of nurturing that blow
across the landscapes, of heritage, of genetics, of family history.
All these forces that create the parenting mystery !!!

B. J. “A ” 2
Winter of 1988 / 1989
Revised September 4^th 2013

Discovered !, this day, the truth .
A night of passion planned for another,
 covered up by thick, fluffy clouds of deception,
an innocent impotence, added to make the lies believable.

Your physical beauty and innocence captured and swept me away.
Your “con”vincinging lies, expressed, lead my heart and wisdom astray.
You have taken, of my eager, trusting heart and now !, left it no way.
You have taken and taken, left nothing but, for me to pay and pay.
You have ruled our lives, I have let you for what seems, forever and a day.
You have had no right, there are no reasons, no excuses, it is not Okay.

You are not to blame, I walked in knowing your game, I was not blind.
I know you have a heart ?, I know it is there,
 it is somewhere ?,
 if it where only kind.
You have known me, from deep within, you chose me not, did not care,
 you forgot and I will never fill your mind.

You have been running all your life, with that cool image and empty soul.
Your deceitful, lying, heartless heart – oh how well I have come to know.
Your inner being, I believed ( from the top of my heart ), would grow.
You are forgiven, there is nothing more, no were else to go,
 this is all that this old soul is able to do.
Your being, your actions, the truth about who you are, I already knew !  
Your life’s direction, from now on, I hope will not parallel, but travel a new.

B. J. “A ” 2
May 12^th 1992