My Dear, Sweet, lost Child ?

Daughter of my wasted youth !

A confession

I am truly sorry Gail, for all that I was 

- that selfish, inconsiderate, thoughtless man -

I am truly sorry Gail, for all that I was not !,

- a responsible, considerate, good father -  

as I left behind, in the wake of my life, a beautiful girl child,

a child who, by her own strength, came to a stage,

just one of many, - as I recall – in her life,

that have plagued her, with so many questions,

so much insecurity, such deep doubt about what she is ?,

who she is ?, how she got to be ?, what it will take to be free ?

 

What I see !, is a beautiful young woman, who has found the answers,

who has the strength, the courage, the wisdom to move beyond

all of her life’s adversities, moved beyond all that has troubled her,

- filled her mind for so many, long and wasted years –

to find and live a life few can only hope to achieve.

She has left her troubled soul behind, stepped out of the limitations

her creators instilled, - limitations her creators are trapped in -,

walked past, and far beyond the worst and best they could be,

to be a much better person then they and in her own right.

 

Their right Gail, - your mothers and mine – was created by forces,

forces beyond the innocent, naiveté of our youthful experiences.

And so my Dear, sad to say, we are left to deal with all of life

- rainbows, black clouds, mirrored lakes, raging seas, open fields,

dark and mysterious caves, happiness, securities, doubts,

insecurities and a life time of sadness’s – yet most of us,

realize, ( to one degree or another ) that life goes on in spite

and perpetuates itself – for the good of mankind and this planet

we share ( from the infinitesimal atom to the mighty, majestic mountains

or the destruction of conscious humanity and our tiny inverse  -

for better or worse as we act out the characters our forefathers created.

 

I can not help but be deeply saddened – heart broken – by all

that troubles you, about me, about your mother,

but most of all – troubles you about yourself.

You know my Dear, there is positively nothing you can do,

think, feel, understand – no matter how much, I wish

I could take the hands of father time and turn them back –

that will take the hands of time, turn them to the time of youth

and change what I, and the past created for you.

 

Fear not my Dear, for you can ask ?, question ?, understand,

and with that knowledge, step aside, embrace the past

and with knowledge in hand, walk a different path

then those that came before knowing that the past

permeates the present with its essence, as it does the future,

but it is only you, who has the power to make the choice,

of whether or not the past controls you or you the past.

 

Ones actions – at a time when another’s needs, need be met –

does not necessarily mean what the other has thought and felt.

My actions, my choices Gail, where just that, my choices.

None of what I did or did not do had anything to do with you,

even though – in the end – it did, it affected you negatively.

My decision Gail, good or bad, selfish and thoughtless

where not meant to take anything away from you – but did –

except for my physical presence, for my love and concerns

where always in mind, where always with you, even if I wasn’t.

 

You know my Dear, - of course you don’t – I wish you had kept

all the correspondence from me, as I have done, from you,

so that we might go through them all and see, and know

if what I now perceive of myself these days, reflects a truth

of the man I think I was in those days. Was I the man then

I am now ?, is the man I am now, one of worth ?,

more worthy today then yesterday ?, I cannot say, I do not know

but what ever the case ?, I loved you as much then as I do now,

regardless, and in spite of all that may seem, and seemed uncertain.

 

I realize Gail, that certainty, memories, experiences are but illusions

in the mind, in the passing of time, what counts, is living the moment,

– at least for me – sucking the life out of it, without reservation,

for, within the moment, are carried the all, and all we are

at that precise moment when the twinkling of life’s eye

shows us the light, the colours, the knowledge, the wisdom

as they move on, on the wings of rainbows, that are moved

by the solar winds of our conscious / subconscious life.

The all we were, the all we are, the all we will ever be,

in this moment, all or fragments of, will live in the next moment.

How we direct our moments Gail, come on the wings

of who and what we were, who and what we are

and what previous moments added to the equation.

 

I wonder ?, have pondered ?, have analyzed the boxes,

the cages, the walls my little Girl, my young Woman,

finds herself packaged in, trapped in, stuck behind,

believing that they have come into being

– along with all the uncertainties, doubts and fears –

because of the constant “ You are to much like you dad ”.

If you are me ?, and I you ?, in you mothers eyes,

then we can see why all the pain, all the heat ache

I inflicted, by my actions, drove your mother to turn

all her hurt, her pain into anger, hostility, animosity,

malice, vengeance, a vendetta. All her mean spirited

words ponding through your youthful days and nights,

into your innocence was directed at me, meant for me,

– not you – unfortunately, this you had to endure.

For you where your mothers only outlet, only release valve

and in her naiveté, her blind rage, her need to strike out,

she did not know, did not understand, did not pay heed

to my words and so the words she was shooting at me,

struck at the very heart of you, how could they not kill

your spirit, destroy the very soul of one so little, so fragile,

when she was often said “ You are so much like your dad ”,

a picture she painted black, with angry, harsh brush strokes

of a dad that was not the dad you knew and understood.

That caused great damage to us and our relationship.

In the end – unfortunately – my acts flooded your growth,

impacted your life with such negativity and uncertainty.

I am sorry that I let your mother leave, taking you with her

and for my leaving for distant lands, unknown worlds,

leaving you to your own and your mothers devices.

Unfortunately my Dear, being your fathers Daughter,

“ You are to much like you dad ”, you were forced to endure

all the abuse meant for me, – personally – after all,

how could you not ?, how could you escape the war ?,

especially when you became the battle field upon which

your mother waged her destructive war against me.

 

I look into the tapestry of our lives my Dear, and see it

tattered and torn, frayed at the edges of its heart, and see,

pieces of me being blown apart – as my world

( in your ears, in your eyes ) – crumbles before you,

comes tumbling down, scattered around uncertain ground

upon which to build your own world, rebuild your spirit,

your soul, your personality and climb out of your little coffin

and rise up from the broken, shattered remains, the ashes

of the man you called dad and walk out of the maze

of memories, of experiences, of the tales told,

that threw you into the fire, that mess of confusion,

the pain of uncertainty, by “ You are so much like your dad ”

and know that I think ( it was unintentional, I do believe )

that it was all intended for me and not you my Dear.

 

In the final analysis Gail, one can only conclude that the love

your mother and I had and have for you, got lost I the fray

– because we did not have the strength of character to overcome –

of our destructive needs and desires, the wants of our sicknesses.

Our fractured, tortured psyches Gail, drove us, and at your feet,

permeating your soul, upon the head of an undeserving little girl,

you have come to know – all that you never needed to know.

 

In time – be it already history or yet to be the future – I, -

as I am sure your mother - harbour many regrets and I hope

that you will find peace and forgiveness within that

shattered heart and soul of yours, if not for our sakes,

at least for yours, for not letting go, only hurts you

and you are the only one that matters, for all time.

 

I am oh so sorry Gail, for my immature, inconsiderate,

selfish life style and for all that being these things

has caused you to suffer through, you who did not

deserve to have any of this be a part of your life’s experience.

I am very proud of you my Dear, for no one but you,

brought you through to where you now are,

– that being far beyond us, in so many ways – leaving us, 

who did little or nothing to help you get to where you are,

to stand back and admire your fortitude in the face of adversity.

What is truly amazing my Dear, is the fact that you accomplished

all that you have, in spite of the heavy weight of all that baggage

– all those insecurities, doubts and fears dragging you down –

you carried over stumbling blocks ( sometimes mountains )

that your mother and me, laid on your path, to the here and now.

 

Anyway Gail, after all is said and done, history is the past

and the past has passed, it once was a reality, left its mark,

scares that influence ( the degree, is a matter of wise choices )

and certainly becomes a parts of the present and of the future,

no one is able to change that, whether it is hereditary, genetic,

nature, nurturing or psychological, it is all a part of the whole.

How we perceive the past, what we believe it to be, how we live it,

how much we let it have control or influence, will be determined

by our desire, our strengths and weaknesses, our understanding.

I do, truly understand Gail, your need for answers, I was there once,

got the answer - the time I took you to Chicago – from your grandma.

I too, lived with doubts and uncertainties, for over thirty years,

then that weekend in Chicago, the answer came, confirming my years

and years of a belief, - a subconscious knowledge that, unfortunately,

was hidden behind clouds of doubts, shrouded in uncertainty,

that the confirmation of opened the door, gave me freedom,

released me from being enfolded by the wings of uncertainty,

the cage of doubt about my ability to perceive reality

for what it truly was / is, and I believe, will always be.

I hope Gail, ?, that you may also find that same freedom.

Freedom that comes, with confidence gained, from the knowledge

that you truly did know the essence of the reality

you were not quite so sure of as this story has unfolded

before your beautiful, brown, troubled eyes.

 

Anyway my Love, your life is the sum total of you,

of that, there is nothing that we can do !,

so live life to the fullest and best that you can,

that to me, seems exactly what you are doing Gail,

so please leave behind, let go, set aside all the baggage,

keep flying towards the very best of you and life.

Love dad .

B. J. “A ” 2

November 22^nd 2003