Nowhere Man

 

Star dust, the stuff of a fool’s dreams.

Oh !!!, to travel upon star dust streams

- that glorious, never ending journey -

into the realms, the space of many.

 

This old spirit, seems, not to fit into any

mold nor on any rung of the social latter,

that I think, should not, ever  matter.

And so I have to wonder ?,

as upon this planet, I wander.

Is there any place for me ?,

where I might fit in – one day to see ?

In my youth, some perceived me to be

Sall Minnio, even the King,

- Elvis Presley, - this idea girls would bring

with them, in their pursuit of me.

 

As an adult, I came to be seen

 – an Italian, a Greek, a Mexican –

a First Nations is what I’ve been

as folks do the best they can.

As people guessed at my race,

looking and looking into my face,

the essence, the spirit, the soul of this man.

 

Yet nowhere do I fit - I belong to no place.

Nowhere do I find a fitting space

for this German, French, British, Native,

gene pool, my heritage doth give.

Plus the few – long forgotten – more

that came through the genetic door

– open for viewing the heart of this old soul –

where there is reflection and getting to know.

 

There have been some who would pass

this face of many – this face of looking glass

refraction – to see truth – a Redman’s blood in the veins

of this First Nation soul – the spirit which remains

for this old soul, the essence of my spirit,

even in times when many would not tolerate it.

And so, it is not a wonder

why this soul seems to flounder,

cannot find anything sounder,

 

between the jagged, ragged edges

of created, keen, sharp - wedges

between who and what I am, and

where it is I could possibly stand.

There is not – it seems to me – a place

where I fit in, can stand, turn and face,

see a possible niche – a place to belong,

before, my life is almost gone,

as I look back upon all the roads,

- the stories, the tales, the heavy loads –

 

I have travelled, yet know not what will be told

of what rung, on the social ladder I hold,

what plateau to find shelter in ?,

what plane to fly above, be comfortable in ?,

what place to rest my spirit, my soul within ?,

what space can I find to forget all the sin ?

I have walked with the sane and insane.

I have talked with the educated and uneducated.

I have been in the company of intelligence and unintelligent.

I have laid with the secure and the insecure.

I have laid with passion’s fire and frigid’s cold.

 

I have known the moral and the immoral.

I have known those of faith and the faithless

I have known the killed and the killer

I have known those who have taken their own lives

I have known the givers and the takers

I have known the movers and the shakers

I have known the honest and the dishonest

I have known the psychic and the blind.

I have known the truth sayers and the bullshitters,

The fast lane, the slow lane, the middle lane I’ve moved in.

The sober, the drunkard – I’ve been and been with.

The strong, the weak – I’ve been and been with.

 

The used, the abused  – I’ve been and been with.

The users and the abusers -- I’ve known and know me.

The wealthy, the poor – I’ve known and know me.

Financial wealth and Spirituality -- I’ve known and know me.

The saver of a life -- I’ve known and was me.

The living and the dead -- I’ve known and know me.

Having a brush with artists has been my fate.

Having acted up with entertainers has been my fate.

Having had words with writers has been my fate.

Having become a rhymer, like my forth cousin, has been my fate.

I have played with players – strummed a note or two.

I have laid with singers-- sung a note or two.

I have laid with dancers – danced a step or two.

 

I have struck an arc alongside a welder – a time or two.

I have sprayed painted cars alongside a painter – a time or two.

Hammering out metal with body men – I have done.

Twisting wrenches with mechanics – I have done.

Busining along side business men – I have done.

Being a lover, I always thought, was my forte.

Being a husband, I thought I knew how to play.

Being a father, I thought I knew I would stay.

Being a friend, I thought was always my way.

To be a son – a child’s dream.

To be a brother – not to be it seems

 as all the above drifts downstream,

leaving one to wonder, what life really means ?

Life’s journey can be a wondrous mystery !,

 

when one leafs through the pages of his history.

One’s life can also be a disastrous story ?,

one of little hope, dim light and no glory.

So what is left for this old fool ?,

but to carry on breaking the old rule,

rules that make it possible to call oneself a poet,

something I never call myself, a poet, and I know it !

I do the best I can

That is who I am !

Being a carny – traveling with The World’s Finest show.

For a couple of seasons – that is all I did know.

Being a dishwasher, a server, a busboy, a waiter, a manager

of a restaurant, many dimensions of life. I was egger 

to come into contact with, to try and understand.

As fate would have it, understanding never came to this hand.

 

Today, a bum – forty eight years ago – father said

“ the best dressed bum in town ” would be my stead.

What goes around – at some point in time – comes around.

There is some truth to this, that I have certainly found.

Even though I have touched the edges of many a life.

Many places, pieces of each and everyone, not one has been

a place for me, a place I felt I belonged, the places I’ve seen

do not leave pillows for my spirit,  beds to rest my soul, rife

with uncertainty, is my state, almost every day

I can find no place, no space for me to play.

Looking into this distorted collage

I wonder if it is but a mirage ?

My flaws lie in the heart of my feeling !, it is my sin !,

this belief that there is no place, no space where I fit in.

 

B. J. “A” 2

May 1^st 2004